In the Pink!
(4th April)

Wandering around Cotswold Water Park at any time of year will often result in spotting something unusual, but Spring is probably the best time to see anything untoward. I saw the above Gull sitting on its scruffy nest amongst a small colony of other nesting Black-Headed Gulls on an island in the middle of one of the larger lakes late this afternoon. He was a long way away, but I managed to get these rather blurry shots using my digi-scoped camera from about 130 metres in very grey light.

 
I call this Starling "Mallen" (after the fictitious Mallen family of the famous Catherine Cookson novels). He is an occasional visitor to my garden and sports his splendid "Mallen Streak" with no apparent disadvantages. He has more white marks on his primary feathers and one on his rump. Mallen also successfully negotiates a birth defect that has resulted in him growing up with one foot (the left) almost half the size it ought to be, although I'd say that it's about 75% functional!

I think it must be one of the pinkest BHGs that I've ever seen and I've no idea why it's coloured that way. Some kind of psychedelic Leucism maybe or a hybrid perhaps? Red plumage in some species can turn out yellow in a small minority of individuals (eg: the stuffed 1950s Great Spotted Woodpecker on display at a local museum not far from me) and many species, including Blackbirds, Starlings and Sparrows, can appear with white patches in their plumage or be completely white altogether! The only other Gull that I can think of that exhibits a defining pink flush in the white of their breast plumage is the adult Summer Ross's Gull, some individuals of which can look almost red at times. There are also species of birds kept in captivity whose plumage colouration can be affected by diet (Flamingoes are a good example).Oh well, I dare say that someone out there will have seen hundreds of pink BHGs over the years and will be kind enough to let me know what's going on via the link at the bottom of the "Home" page on www.wildliferanger.co.uk !

Two Soldiers Killed in Iraq
(2nd April)

28 year-old Cumbrian, Kingsman Danny John Wilson of the 2nd Battalion the Duke of Lancaster's Regiment was unfortunately killed in Basra, Iraq yesterday by small-arms fire while outside of his Warrior armoured vehicle.

Meanwhile, Rifleman Aaron Lincoln was killed in the Al Ashar District of Basra in Southern Iraq today. The precise details of his death during an attack on his unit have not been revealed.

25 Years

Today is the 25th anniversary of the invasion of the Falkland Islands....Hundreds of British Forces Personnel lost their lives and many more Argentine troops and sailors also died during the ensuing weeks. It was a short, but very nasty little war and I would like to pay tribute to and remember ALL of the fallen, both British and Argentinian.

Anniversary
(1st April)

April Fool's day, but it's also my wedding anniversary today....723 years....and yes, I still love her, probably more than ever! Mind you, I did insist way back then on getting married AFTER mid-day!

Having spent most of the day at a swimming gala where my daughter was taking part in a County relay competition, things turned a little sour for me due to the appalling behaviour of a group of a dozen or so very bored 10 - 14 year-old girls and their parents from a particular swimming club whose name I shan't divulge for the sake of the few decent swimmers and parents that they do have.

Having escaped early from the typically hot and humid spectator's gallery, I was waiting in the gallery area of the leisure-centre foyer while my daughter insisted upon remaining poolside to cheer on her team in the final event of the session. At this point, two young lads, about 10 and 14 years old, entered the building at the main entrance. They were very alike in appearance and were obviously brothers, but they drew attention from people around them because they were both pure albino. Unfortunately, they also caught the eye of the teenage girls. Their reaction to the sight of two such obviously albino young lads was apparently more than they could bear and shouts of "Hey look....albino kids!", "Arrgh....freaks...Gross!" "Look Becky....mutants!" echoed from the gallery to reverberate around the centre with total disregard for how such behaviour might be making the boys feel. Even the two mothers with the girls were joining in!

There was, I'm afraid, considerably more of the same and it soon became obvious to me that the boys were finding the entire episode very distressing. The older boy in particular, was close to tears while the younger lad was more defiant! However, it was when the boys tried to retreat to the outside of the building and away from the outrageous and entirely unsolicited verbal harrassment and when the girls (now exhibiting something akin to rodent "pack" behaviour and egged-on by the dim-witted parents), ran down the stairs to follow them, still shouting abuse, that I decided to intervene. No-one else seemed particularly bothered!

I made my way to poolside and strode up to the girl's so-called senior swimming coach and gave him a brief description of his swimmer's behaviour. I explained in words of no more than two syllables (to be on the safe side) that the assault was still on-going and asked if he could do something about it. He looked at me and said quite simply...."It's not my problem mate"....and walked away from me.

Expecting such a reaction, but now quite cross, I returned to the foyer gallery and confronted the two mothers concerning the behaviour of their rampaging offspring who, by this time, had followed the unhappy boys back into the building and were continuing to laugh, gesticulate and cat-call at their unfortunate victims!

I suggested that the women call an immediate halt to the girl's behaviour or I would refer the matter to security. At this point, one of the women (possibly named "Ug") muttered something incomprehensible in a previously believed to be extinct primeval language and then called down to one of the girls...

"Mandy, get up 'ere, quick like!" Mandy ran up to her mother along with several of her friends.

"Get yer father. 'e's got some sorting out to do!"

Mrs Ug returned her gaze to me "now yer for it gobshite!" she said.

While I did my level best to explain to the humanoid creatures that the behaviour of their spawn was totally unacceptable (hand gestures helped a little), Mandy arrived back with her father, along with two other dad-types of the same species and a bewildered-looking older youth, possibly a sibling of some sort.

"Who the F**K d'you think you are pal" said the beer-bellied, sweating, red-faced male as he jabbed his finger into my chest. The clink of my dog-tags (we still wear them for ID purposes when rangering) accompanied the man's gurgle of pain as he dropped to his knees! I continued to apply pressure to the finger joint and said quite simply "get your girls to leave those two boys alone or I'll tell security. Do you understand?". He grunted. I let go and walked away. It was a satisfying moment, but not one to be entirely proud of.

Meanwhile the two boys had disappeared, probably gone to play the harmless game of squash they'd come to play in the first place (they had squash rackets).

Anyone desperate enough to have read "Slices" on www.wildliferanger.co.uk will know that I don't like bullies....I tend to go very, very cold, very focused and my heart-rate slows quite significantly when I witness bullying in any form. My reaction to bullying has landed me in all kinds of trouble over the years and will probably get me seriously hurt or even killed one day. I know exactly what it's like to be on the receiving end of such relentless abuse (remember, I've been married for 723 years!) and it was an area thoroughly examined by my shrink during all the years of psycho-therapy I had back throughout 1990s and into the naughties.

Hey ho!

Three of Note....
(30th March)

In a week crammed full of typically upsetting and depressing news stories, there were three slightly more curious ones that caught my attention....

1....Apparently (according to "statistics"), an average of three people are killed every year in the UK trying to put on their under-pants or knickers while standing on the landing at home. How? It seems they get their foot stuck as they try to put it through the leg-hole of said underwear then overbalance and fall down the stairs!

2....A school headmaster and his board of governors tried to place an advertisement this week for a new classroom teacher. The ad included the words "the successful applicant must have drive and enthusiasm". Fair enough you'd think, but apparently not....the local authority took one look at the ad and immediately instructed the head to remove the above phrase on the grounds that it was "ageist"! Er....presumably they feel that "older" applicants, such as myself, would feel that "drive and enthusiasm" are unfair pre-requisites, given our advancing years and retreating vim/vigour! Hang on though....isn't THAT an ageist assumption in itself? Mmm, I could go on about how unfair it is I suppose, but I just can't be bothered!

3....Finally (concerning the press coverage of this week's international football matches), could someone please explain to me exactly how it is that Scotland losing 2-0 to Italy is a better result than England beating Andorra 3-0....or have I missed something?

Cleopatra
(26th March)

Cleopatra Butterfly?

I saw my first Swallow of the year flying across the A40 just east of Northleach late this afternoon! Last year, it was the 31st March near Naunton and, In 2005, I saw a pair of Swallows in Chaceley (I wasn't the only one to see them), near Tewkesbury on the 1st January (see the "Miscellaneous" page on www.wildliferanger.co.uk)!

I also saw my first Blackcap of 2007 today near Burford and the Chiff-Chaff has returned to the end of my garden already!

It was the above butterfly however, that gave me an even bigger shock than the 2005 Swallows....I was delighted to spot this beauty in a Burford garden today, thinking at the time that it was a Brimstone, but when I got to see it on the computer screen, something didn't seem quite right....the brown spots on the wings look wrong for one thing, but it's the "feathering" on the legs that make me think that this is, in fact, a Cleopatra Butterfly!

If I'm right. then this is not only a first for me, but probably for a lot of other people as well....because Cleopatras only live in the furthest reaches of Southern Europe, especially around the Mediterranean! This little fella must be a long, long way from home!

I would welcome the views of any erstwhile lepidopterists out there....our own insect expert, Lofty, is currently yomping around the coast of Devon at the moment doing the survey stuff that I should be doing....as for the weather....it's fantastic of course....typical!

Home Again!
(25th March)

Delighted to be home, but still feeling very out of sorts, Leah managed to make absolutely certain that her bandage (the one covering the "wound" where the hydration drip was inserted into her leg) was conspicuously placed for everyone to see and admire. However, having barely managed to find the strength required to collapse onto a convenient pile of comfy pillows, it wasn't long before she was fast asleep and dreaming of chasing chocolate Rabbits!

Leah had a fairly comfortable night apparently and the vet rang early to say that we would be able to pick her up around lunch-time!

When we got there, she was still slightly sedated and that, combined with an inability to use her front right leg properly, meant that she was very wobbly. Even so, she was very pleased to see us and couldn't wait to get into the car!

Once home, all she really had the energy to do was collapse on her blanket and fall asleep. The lack of ability to co-ordinate the movement of the leg tends to make her look like a drunken dressage horse as she tries desperately to walk normally. However, she just can't seem to make contact with the ground without first lifting her paw right up in the air each time. It's a strange thing to watch and I'm sure it upsets her. Still, thirty-six hours ago, I didn't think she'd be coming home at all. She was very poorly! I'm glad that she's home again.

Maybe the leg will return to normal soon....I certainly hope so. I have to lift her up and down things like steps at the moment! Her appetite's back to normal though!

Leah Really Poorly!
(24th March)

I Should have been off to Devon today, but my dog, Leah, was taken seriously ill this morning! She suddenly lost all sense of balance and any control over her movement, particularly on her right-hand side! I immediately thought she'd had a stroke until she was sick as well. At that point, I thought it might be some sort of vestibulitis-type attack.

We took her to our brilliant vet and he felt that a stroke was unlikely, but couldn't rule it out. However, he also leaned toward vestibulitis, but warned that it appeared to be quite serious and possibly of the more dangerous inner-ear type rather than the outer. He insisted on keeping her at the clinic for at least 24 hours under observation and she's now sedated, having first been given anti-emetics. She's also on a hydration drip.

She's apparently "comfortable" at the moment and she could have as much as an 80% chance of pulling through. It's all very worrying though and I can't relax!

Meanwhile, I'd like to thank Lofty for interrupting his own busy work-schedule in the New Forest and being prepared to set off for Devon in my place....he knows I wont leave Leah....not for anything!

Now we wait!

Lunch
(21st March)

As I've mentioned before, bewildered reader, lunch for me usually involves sitting down for half an hour or so to eat my door-stop sandwich beside a babbling brook or in some sun-dappled woody glade....or, more likely, in the corner of yet another rain-sodden muddy field out in the middle of nowhere! Well, today was no different when, in the bright, nearly warm, late afternoon/early Spring sunshine, I finally managed to find a reasonably dry place to rest my weary bones beneath the spreading branches of an ancient tree at the edge of a large woodland overlooking a typical English country meadow. It was also close to a flowering plant called a "Hairy Violet" that I'd paused for a few minutes previously to photograph. Sadly, the name is not a particularly attractive one, but I suspect that it may well derive from traditional folk tales concerning the girl who once held her breath long enough to give me my first ever kiss when I was just a boy....probably because of a bet she lost!

I'm pretty sure (though not absolutely certain) that this is a "Hairy Violet", if only because of its downy leaves and lack of runners. I don't think it's the more familiar "Common Dog-Violet", even though the "Hairy" variety shouldn't really be flowering until well into April while its "Dog-Violet" cousin is known to flower as early as February.

It's at about this point, usually when I'm about half-way through my cheese and brown-sauce door-stop sarny, that my presence is often detected and subsequently investigated by any of a wide range of irrepressibly nosey, but ever hopeful creatures. These might include anything from overly-inquisitive Cows, Bulls, Rabbits, Squirrels, Wood-mice and Weasels to apoplectically  stroppy Jays and other assorted Corvids as well as mercenary Wildfowl and, of course, the inevitable desperately territorial Robin....even the odd Deer or two has been known to give-in to overwhelming curiosity and wander across towards me, but only if I'm prepared to sit as still as a thing that is very, very still indeed!

Today however, I had two visitors....firstly, a Spring Lamb who, for reasons best known to himself, decided to walk virtually right up to me away from the relative safety of his flock grazing about fifty metres away towards the middle of the meadow, before gambolling off once again to be with his obviously relieved mother! Then, at this point, a slightly belligerent Song Thrush dropped to the ground from a nearby tree. He was, predictably, a lot less than pleased about me being there! He gradually made his way to within about four metres of my sandwich to make his feelings known, but didn't actually say no to a few bread-crumbs tossed in his direction!

"Hey Mush....I think you ought to know that this happens to be MY own personal space, right, but I might let you stay a bit longer if you give me some of your sandwich....besides, you SHOULD be looking after me....I'm a seriously declining species you know!"

These photos were taken with my little freebee pocket camera and came out alrightish because the animals came quite close of their own accord. I've always maintained that if you want to experience anything special when you're out for a walk in the countryside, then you should always be prepared to set aside half an hour or so to sit very still and very quiet in some likely-looking place and you'll nearly always be rewarded. It's really worth it, believe me, but it takes a different mindset, lots of patience and a certain amount of practise in choosing the best places.

Quite a high proportion of my so-called wildlife photographs are obtained this way without a hint of the long lenses so beloved of professionals. Obviously, their efforts are always far superior to my own technically, but I'll always prefer the personal touch afforded by the "connection" I like to achieve between the animal and myself. Anyhoo....whatever your preference, the first rule for amateur and professional alike, is NEVER BE WITHOUT A CAMERA OF SOME SORT, WHEREVER YOU MIGHT HAPPEN TO BE!

A Few More Beauties
(14th March)

Absolutely gorgeous!

So many wildflowers to photograph at the moment....I think I've already snapped about sixty species, including twenty-three new ones....Unbelievable really! The trouble is, everyone around here is convinced that the weather's going to turn by the beginning of next week and get all wintry again! On the other hand, I suppose it's been nice this week for the Cheltenham Gold-Cup festival.

Normally flowering from April to july, Germander Speedwell (didn't I used to be at school with him?) has always been a "lucky" flower to the Irish, but according to English folklore and legend, terrible harm will befall the eyes of anyone foolish enough to pick this delicate little flower...."real" Gypsies never touch it for example!

I live just a few miles from Cheltenham racecourse and always get as far away as possible from Cheltenham and the horrendous Gold-Cup-associated traffic. In fact, I've never been to the races myself, ever and I get quite concerned when the weather is warm and sunny because the ground firms-up very quickly and the horses are more likely to suffer fatal injuries....I think that around nine of them died or had to be put down over the four days of last year's races and that's an awful lot for one festival!

Lesser Periwinkle usually flowers from April to May and is another species for whom disaster might lurk just around the corner if the weather turns all wintry again! All manner of mammals, birds, invertebrates, flowers and insects (especially Butterflies) have been fooled into thinking that it's Spring already, but I seriously worry that Winter isn't finished with us quite yet and that all these species might soon be suffering considerably! Perhaps I could invent a brand-new name for all this seasonal muddlement....how about Seasonal Inversion Disorder (SID) or Season Displacement Condition (SDC) or maybe Displaced Environmental Ecological Pollution Seasonal Hiatus Inversion Trauma?.... or whatever! One thing's for certain, the polititcans aren't going to be able to get their heads around any of it until some expert or other gives the whole damn situation a name for the media to latch on to!

I suppose it's typical really that the weather is about to turn for the worse....I'm supposed to be off to the Devon coastline before the end of the month, yomping and bivouacking and doing all sorts of ranger survey stuff for a week or so! I guess I'll have to work using my van as more of a base than I'd planned, but even then I shall have to bivi overnight at least  a couple of times on the longer walks....I'll have to see how it goes!

Mistletoe....well, what do you know....something actually flowering when it's supposed to....but then Mistletoe always has been a plant thought to be imbued with ancient and special powers. It's green shoots sprouting from the branches of seemingly lifeless Winter trees have always given it more than an air of mystery. It's modern association with Christmas and kissing are the last vestiges of its pagan associations with the Winter Solstice and ancient fertility rites!

Grape Hyacinth is fairly rare in the wild, so I was pleased to stumble upon this solitary specimen beside a small stream on the outskirts of Cirencester, especially since I wouldn't expect to see too many anywhere much before April. The fact that it's a paler blue colour could mean two things....that this specimen isn't actually a fertile plant (the fertile ones tend to be a much darker blue) and that its a garden escape anyway!

Now here's something that you CAN expect to see in March, or even earlier....Colt's Foot is closely related to the Butterbur and both plants are unusual in that they produce their flowers before their leaves which gradually appear as the flowers begin to die back. Colt's Foot was widely used at one time to relieve coughs and chest ailments, including tuberculosis....something alluded to by both Charles Dickens and the Bronte Sisters in their novels. I also vaguely remember reading somewhere that the Latin name for Colt's Foot, Tussilago farfara, derives from the Latin tussis, meaning "cough", but don't hold me to that.

Doubtless a garden escape, this cascade of pink and crimson was just one section of a much larger bush growing half-way up a grass embankment beside a Wiltshire country lane, but what is it? A Viburnum maybe?

Just to prove that even the trees are determined not to miss out on all the current confusion in the world of Mother Nature, this Chinese Weeping-Wllow probably began sprouting its leaves a couple of days ago, but has also decided to produce a very healthy quota of catkins as well....in this case, female catkins!

Spring Flowers
(13th March)

I thought I'd upload a few photos of some of the flowers I've spotted so far this Spring....mostly during my long, long walks through woods, across fields and meadows and along country lanes over the past two weeks or so. These have given me ample opportunity to take special note of exactly what's happening at the moment in our wilder places and I've written it all down in notebooks, drawn sketches, made marks on maps, added data to graphs and spreadsheets and taken hundreds of photographs....and the upshot of all that work? Well, apart from passing it all on to my Boss for him to use as he sees fit, I'd say that everything from Plantains to Plovers and Bees to Badgers are, on average, about two weeks ahead of normal, with a few things as much as two months ahead of schedule!

Lesser Celandines are well known for having anything from eight to twelve petals....while the examples above have either eight or nine.

That there is some kind of a "shift" in the natural sequential order of things is undeniable, whatever your stance on global-warming....the evidence is there for everyone to see! Personally, I've never seen such widespread and seemingly random change! There has always been the occasional early Swallow or the odd year when every Rook from St. Ives to St. Andrews chooses to re-locate its nest higher up the trees in lieu of an unusually wet Summer.

One of the classic heralds of Spring, the good old Narcissus, boasts more than fifty different species plus thousands of cultivars.

I once made a note in my 1969 diary when I spotted two Peacock Butterflies in mid-December and another note in January 1974 when my parent's garden was inundated with hundreds of Ladybirds! Such things happen without apparent rhyme or reason....one-off anomalies, mysterious, but isolated incidents that may baffle the experts for a while, but are soon absorbed back into the greater scheme of things.

  
Primrose Yellow, Primula Light-Pink and Primula Dark-Pink

Whatever's going on out there in the wild at the moment however, is an altogether different bag of eels! There must surely be something very "causal" about it all, but exactly what that might be is extremely difficult to pin down....and I'm no scientist!. There are far too many incidents happening right across the board for them to be classed as truly isolated anymore and it's virtually impossible to predict exactly where it might all be leading, let alone how it all started in the first place!

This Spotted Dead-Nettle is blooming about two weeks earlier than average....good news for the many insects already out and about!

Birds reluctant to complete their migrations, species gradually spreading further and further north and others nose-diving into virtual extinction within ten-year time-spans! Summer insects appearing in huge numbers in the middle of Winter, flowers blooming as much as two months earlier than usual, birds trying to raise their first broods of the year weeks before the pre-requisite food supplies, such as caterpillars, will be available. Meanwhile, exceedingly damp Winters are proving to be detrimental, if not catastrophic, to certain species, such as Barn Owls, while, simultaneously, swathes of mostly deciduous woodland continue to show disturbing signs of long-term dehydration (work that one out for yourselves) and both ancient and new diseases of trees are becoming more and more prevalent!

 
On the left, you might say "fresh as a Daisy" while the picture on the right is of yet another garden escape, but miles from the nearest garden!

I've said it elsewhere...Nature really is in a bit of a pickle and I just can't see how the balance can ever be restored!

This is another shot of the Common Comfrey shown on the "Home Page" of this site and is flowering as much as two months earlier than normal. I took the photo near what remains of the possible defensive ditch at Queen Margaret's Camp in Tewkesbury and I have my own theory about the Common Comfrey growing in unusually large quantities in certain parts of Tewkesbury that I believe no-one else has ever considered....

4th May, 1471 was the date and Tewkesbury the place of the second-but-last battle in the Wars of the Roses (only Bosworth and Stoke Field were to follow), waged as it was between the Houses of Lancaster and York....basically, it was Margaret of Anjou v Edward IV with Wenlock and Somerset on the bench for Maggie and Gloucester (Richard III) and Hastings warming up on the touchline for Ted! (Incidentally, the York/Lancaster emnity persists to this day if swimming competitions are anything to go by!).

Built during the 13th Century and originally a Manor Farm, Gupshill Inn is situated at the more southerly end of the battlefield and just across the way from Queen Margaret's camp. A now annual and very popular "Battle of Tewkesbury" re-enactment takes place in a large field adjacent to the Inn. Apropos of nothing, My Mum was a silver-service waitress here at weekends from when I was seven until I was about ten. She did this in addition to holding down a full-time factory job and another part-time waitressing job at the Abbey Mill! Meanwhile, I used to get paid a shilling a week by the Gupshill's landlord to look after "Blondie", his very large, very belligerent and very black Billy Goat! Why me? Well, I was just about the only person that Blondie would tolerate to go anywhere near him!

Having arrived in the UK via Weymouth with nothing to declare except maybe a few thousand men-at-arms, a six-pack of lager and two hundred Benson and Hedges, Margaret headed for Gloucester, but apparently lost time at Bristol (probably a hold-up at junction 16) where she re-supplied at Ye Olde Tescos. Maggie was desperate however, to cross the River Severn into Wales to join forces with Jasper Tudor (great name!), but the bridge at Gloucester was, by then, heavily defended against her. Stalked by Edward most of the way and not wanting to cross a wide, hazardous river way out in the open, she moved her forces on the 3rd May to Tewkesbury and a narrower, potentially safer crossing place. Much of the battle was probably protracted, sporadic and skirmishing in nature, but the main event took place to the south-west of the town in an area subsequently called "Bloody Meadow" and was close to the Gupshill Inn where presumably, everyone stopped fighting around lunchtime for a quick pint and chicken-nuggets in a basket!.

        
Queen Margaret chose to set up camp on top of what was probably some kind of ancient burial site....expanding upon its ditches and raised areas as well as utilizing the natural lay of the land. This is where we often used to play as children, defending the central mound from all-comers and swinging from ropes tied to the huge Elm trees that grew there....until Dutch Elm disease wiped them all out along with half the trees in the UK! The photo on the right shows the most southerly of the houses built just after WWII on Priors Park estate where I lived for much of my childhood. Many of the roads there have names such as York Road, Lancaster Road, Queens Road, Wenlock Road, Somerset Place and Margaret Road. The picture on the right shows part of the brand-new and fairly extensive housing estate built by Bovis Homes. Personally, it's the last place I'd buy a home because most of the new housing is actually built exactly where I used to go rafting on the metre-deep flood-waters that resulted from the really bad Winters that we used to get in those days, such as the Winter of 1962/1963! Apparently Bovis insist that their drainage measures are more than adequate to deal with any flooding, but I don't think those guys were around in Tewkesbury back then when the entire Severn Valley flood-plain disappeared beneath vast areas of flood-water and raised board-walks had to be erected along the main streets in Tewkesbury itself just to get people from one end of the town to the other! Basically, all they really needed to do was ask themselves just why exactly it's called the "Severn Valley flood-PLAIN"...Duh!
By the way, I had a chat while taking the above photos, with a passing young couple in their twenties from Priors Park. They'd wanted to know what I was doing. When I explained, they were quite surprised....they said that they didn't realize that all the ditches, lumps and bumps were anything special at all and wanted to know if that's why then, the nearby primary school is called "Queen Margaret's"! You see, that's the problem with how history gets taught within the confines of the National Curriculum in schools today....everyone learns about the Romans and Oliver Cromwell per se, but few kids get the chance to learn something tangible and relevant about their own local history. There are too many bl**dy government targets and too many pointless and restrictive tests to work towards! Teachers have little opportunity to get creative or be spontaneous these days!

The decision was finally made to stand and fight rather than risk exhausted troops during a river-crossing and Somerset positioned his slightly superior force of around 6,000 men with the river at their rear (very wise). However, Edward won the toss and kicked-off with a heavy artillery bombardment, forcing Somerset to break his defensive formation and attack Edward's position. All would have been fine and Somerset would probably have prevailed, except that Wenlock apparently failed to support Somerset at a crucial moment and was reportedly executed by Somerset himself on the battlefield at half-time for cowardice!

Situated between the local golf club and Tewkesbury's Council offices, the "Bloody Meadow" bore witness to the most ferocious episodes of the day's fighting. Even today, the wildflowers that grow there are said (rather fancifully I think) to bloom for longer than those elsewhere and are far more vibrant in colour! My uncle Chris, the gamekeeper, used to regale me with stories of ghostly soldiers to be seen sometimes marching across the meadow at night and of a terrified nobleman running screaming from the distant din of clashing swords....or maybe it's just a trick of the light and the wind in the trees!

Without significant support, Somerset was eventually forced to retreat and, according to an embedded CNN reporter at the time, the remaining Lancastrians, upon seeing this, capitulated! More than 2,000 troops died that day, both on the battlefield and all along the banks of the River Severn during a particularly savage rout. Somerset sought sanctuary along with dozens of others in nearby Tewkesbury Abbey, but all were eventually dragged from their refuge and executed on the site of what is now Tewkesbury's war memorial! Queen Margaret managed to escape, but her son was killed!

The informative "Battle-Board" situated at the start of "Battle Walk" which takes the interested visitor for a leisurely stroll around the principal battlefield locations.

Nearly 600 years later and when I was a boy, my Gran would send me out to gather armfuls of Common Comfrey (mostly from areas close to Queen Margaret's camp), which she then prepared as an anti-inflammitory to combat her growing rheumatic problems. She also used it regularly to treat the family's assorted cuts and bruises as well as my cousin Christopher's eczema and occasionally fed it to us fried in batter if we were ever sick...."it cleanses the bowels Donald!" she would say, "so sit up, open your mouth and stop your moaning!"....and it certainly did everything she promised....and more besides! Beware though, it can be harmful if consumed in larger quantities! My uncle Bill used it as fertilizer on his allotment where I would scrog Crab-apples for Mum to make apple-jelly!

This is one of the first photographs I ever took. It's of my Gran and Grandad circa 1955 and taken near their old barn. The camera belonged to my uncle Sid who let me borrow it as often as I liked (as long as he was with me). He even got his friend to develop most of the pictures for me. The first camera I ever actually owned was a little Kodak "Brownie", but lack of money usually meant that I had to make a roll of film last for weeks. Even so, I managed to take hundreds of black and white photographs throughout the 1950s and 1960s, most of which are stored in old shoeboxes in various cupboards....I'll sort them out and copy them to disc one day. You'd think that with more than fifty years of photography under my belt, I'd be good at it by now!

Anyhoo, Common Comfrey's medicinal qualities were not lost on the physicians of 600 years ago either and it would almost certainly have been gathered by the cart-load from near and far for use on both the sick and wounded alike! It was greatly valued and I believe that the unusually high concentrations of Common Comfrey found on the south-western edge of the town is a consequence of what must have been very intensive use of the plant in that area so long ago. As I say, it's only my theory and I dare say that experts will find a dozen reasons for me to be wrong, but I have noticed similar high concentrations of Common Comfrey either on or around and about other Battlefield sites dotted throughout the UK that I've visited down the years (Nearby Goodrich Castle, site of a battle between Cromwell and Royalists during the English Civil War is a good example). Crikey, maybe I could write a book....I must surely be boring enough!

Could this be Ivy-Leaved Bellfower? Probably not....it has no sepals! 

29 Cdo Soldier Killed in Action
(8th March)

WO Michael Smith (39) of 29 Cdo Regiment, Royal Artillery died from wounds following a grenade attack on his position in Helmand Province, Afghanistan today.

42 Cdo Fatality
(7th March)

Ben Reddy (22) of K Coy 42 (four two) Cdo Royal Marines was killed in the Kajaki district of Helmand Province, Afghanistan yesterday when his unit came under fire during a "clearance" operation.

Just one is one too many, but I seem to be doing an awful lot of these tributes just lately! I've also noticed that the death of a single soldier in either Afghanistan or Iraq apparently no longer merits placement as the lead story in TV and radio news bulletins anymore and rarely seems to make the front page of the newspapers either....I guess it's Northern Ireland all over again!

Two Soldiers Killed!
(5th March)

Two soldiers of 29 (two nine) Cdo Regiment, Royal Artillery were killed in a rocket attack yesterday in the Sangin District of Helmand Province, Afghanistan. They were Lance Bombadier Ross Clark (25) and Lance Bombadier Liam "Paddy" McLaughlin (21). They make the 49th and 50th British soldiers to be killed in Afghanistan since operations began in 2001....It's all so unbelievably sad!

What Were They Thinking?
(4th March)

What the heck are the organizers of the Duke of Edinburgh's "Ten Tors" Survival/Endurance exercise/hike doing allowing 85 teams of teenage school kids out onto the wilds of Dartmoor on a weekend forecast to have such abysmal weather!?!

Ok, so the skies were clear up here, in my neck of the woods last night, but you MUST take heed of the forecasts....the South-West has taken a real bludgeoning over the last 24 hours and there's probably more to come tomorrow! We all studied the weather outlook on Saturday and everyone thought it would be better to stay indoors with a mug of cocoa and a good book (I only went out myself to take a few pictures of Magpies in an orchard)....it would have taken something very important to get any of us out on the Moors of all places this weekend! Crikey, even Sean decided to stay at home and have a couple of days off....and, like Joe, he's a former extreme conditions survival instructor....amongst other things!

85 teams made up of mostly 14, 15 and 16 year-olds were all forced to seek emergency shelter....except for the 3 teams that had to be bl**dy rescued and the two that aren't accounted for yet! Meanwhile, one 14 year-old girl gets swept away by a flash-flood and three others in her team are marginally hypothermic! I also hear that two other people have died in a separate incident in Cornwall, having been swept into the sea from the harbour wall down at Mullion!

The DofE Ten Tors Challenge is a brilliant thing for youngsters to undertake and there will always be risks for them to negotiate every step of the way....that's what helps to build the kid's characters, develop their leadership skills and teach them all about the importance of team ethic. Sometimes though, when it's KNOWN that the conditions are going to turn against you big-time, then it's not so much a "step" too far for such inexperienced youngsters, than a leap into the abyss!

I hear that the teenage girl swept away yesterday was actually rescued and resuscitated at the scene, but sadly, she died in hospital during the night. My own daughter is fourteen years old and there was another as well, once upon a time ago....I know exactly what the girl's parents are feeling....I get so ANGRY!!! On a more positive note however, I understand that all the DofE teams are now safe and accounted for....but it could have been much worse for an awful lot of them!

Total Lunar Eclipse
(4th March)

The past couple of nights have witnessed total eclipses of the moon, when dust in the Earth's atmosphere has, during the final phases of the process, caused the light from the Sun to turn it a spooky (some would say sinister) blood-red. My uncle Chris (the gamekeeper) used to call it a "Blood Moon" and I remember how, when I was a boy, I sat out in the garden with him and my cousins during an identical event. He took the time to explain to us why it happened and how lots of people saw it as a dreaded harbinger of bad luck. He told us that it was a time for White Witches to gather in large numbers all over the world to perform secret rituals in an effort to protect their communities from infertility, pestilence and disease! I understand that modern-day White Witches continue to gather, even today and were probably performing those self-same rituals while I was taking these very photographs!

I'm afraid that the twelve pictures in the following sequence from "Full Moon" right through to "Blood Moon" are a lot less than pin-sharp. Unfortunately, there was a thin haze of cloud covering the Cotswolds here in deep, dark Gloucestershire, but I hope that they will at least demonstrate the basic process of the event for those who may have missed it for themselves....

Things were fairly dull and long-winded (despite my efforts to do shadow "bunny-ears") until picture seven, when the ever-lessening sliver of fully illuminated lunar surface suddenly went incandescent for a minute or two and it was as this additional brightness faded that the Moon finally started to take on its characteristic "blood-red" tinge. This gradually deepened, but It was at this point that I stopped taking photographs and went back indoors to watch "Match of the Day".

Sudeley Security
(2nd March)

Died Protecting His Unit!
(1st March)

I'd like to pay special tribute to 21 year-old Daniel Lee Coffey of 10 Platoon, C Coy, 2nd Battalion, The Rifles who was killed in Basra yesterday. Daniel actually gave his life to protect members of his unit who were ambushed while on routine foot patrol. This was his second tour of duty in Iraq, having returned to active service as a volunteer only two months after completing his first tour. He had apparently expressed concerns about the welfare of his comrades who were still serving in Basra and was keen to return to them!

I received an anonymous and somewhat unpleasantly worded criticism yesterday in the form of an e-mail from someone who, according to them, is a regular visitor to this site. They apparently feel that it's not my place to "remember" troops killed in action on this website, that it's nothing to do with me, that my motives are "obviously political" and that, IF they want to read about such things, then they'll "buy a newspaper"! There was more in similar vein!

By way of reply, I would like to say that I have absolutely no qualms or reservations whatsoever about paying my own personal tribute to any of those who give their lives in the service of their country. I am not in the least bit concerned with the political debate or exactly why our troops are out there in the first place....I pretty much despise all politicians anyway, whatever their political persuasion or self-serving motives! The simple fact is that our troops ARE out there and a handful of words now and then on this website is my way of letting them know that I CARE and, if that's a problem for you Anon. then TOUGH S**T!

I personally feel that US and UK combat-related deaths in either Iraq or Afghanistan have become so common-place of late that the media's reporting of them has grown similar in style to the equally detached detailing of suicide-bomber casualty figures and reduced to little more than a numbers game....one today, three yesterday, fifteen last week (how many will it take to sell newspapers tomorrow?)....and, perhaps for the majority of the general public, it is now little more than that as well....a game in which comparable totals are simply listed in their newspaper at breakfast-time or mentioned briefly on TV while they consume their evening meal....True or not, the casualties are all too easily forgotten!

That's just one reason why I started my own little remembrance list of combat fatalities in this diary, albeit mostly consisting of Royal Marines....I want people to go on remembering them! The main reason however, would be one that all the "Anons" (like you, my mystery e-mailer) in the world put together could never begin to understand....the fact that once you've served in a combat troop, under-fire, alongside similar others, then you tend to feel a special concern for all those who follow after you. A concern borne out of an indefinable bond and a strange sense of guilt that you're not out there with them....wherever "out there" might happen to be.

Despite the training and all their equipment, you know only too well that each and every one of those desperately young soldiers currently serving in military combat zones around the world is just another ordinary human being, but a human being who might well end up feeling the exact same blinding terror that you once felt....that they may well experience the same incomprehensibly savage horrors that you once did and that most of all, they will probably never be able to forget any of it....the acrid stink of cordite tinged with the sickly stench of burning flesh and the haunting screams of shattered friends tends to hang around in your mind pretty much forever!

Perhaps the saddest thing of all Anon, is that, even years from now, many of those young men and women will still be too afraid to sleep at night for fear that the demons will come in their dreams....dark demons with gnashing teeth and ripping claws to tear shivering, bloody pieces from their tormented souls! So you see, I prefer to show I care....if only to make up for the social failings of all the self-centred, indifferent, unempathetic morons like you currently infecting the world today!

On the other hand, if just a single family of any soldier remembered here objects to what I do, then I shall stop doing it immediately and without hesitation!

Sobering...

If you're still with me Anon, then in order to put the Iraq and Afghanistan Coalition casualty situations into some kind of perspective, you might try logging on to a CNN website....Type cnn.com-special reports into your search-engine and a Coalition casualty report should be accessible from the first page of listings. This is an alphabetic or date-order (your choice) list of all Coalition fatalities occurring in Iraq since the invasion. There is a separate section for Afghanistan.

Casualty details are listed individually and include age, unit, country/home town of origin and a brief description of the circumstances surrounding  each death. Photographs of almost all those featured are also provided which tends to drive home just how very young the vast majority of them were!

Warning....If you're planning to sit down and work your way through all of them, then just bear the following statistics in mind....as of yesterday, there have been 3,418 fatal Coalition casualties in Iraq plus nearly 25,000 wounded (not including MIA or POWs.). Meanwhile, Afghanistan has witnessed 529 Coalition fatalities to date with almost 1500 wounded! Altogether, that amounts to roughly the population of a medium-sized UK town....except that about 80% of the population would have to be around 20 years of age!

Well done CNN by the way, because every single Coalition fatality is listed and that's quite an achievement!

Equally (If Not Even More) Sobering....

No completely accurate figures concerning Iraqi civilian casualties are available, but if you would like to bring some sort of order out of the chaos of all those numbers you've heard quoted in the media over the last couple of years, then log on to a website called Iraqbodycount.net where the current estimates of civilian deaths in Iraq amongst all sections of the community are believed to be somewhere between 57,482 and 63,241 since the invasion by Coalition forces (based on data provided by external and in-situ official agencies). From this site, a database can also be accessed which highlights victim details, dates, times, places, events and casualty numbers for all known civilian fatalities. unfortunately, I know of no civilian casualty records for Afghanistan.

This, as I'm sure you can work out for yourself Anon (you must be gone by now though), would amount to the population of quite a large UK town with a spread of ages right across the board! For you however, I suppose all that kind of stuff is happening far too far away to be really worth bothering with....and I'm sure it can't be nice having people like me keep banging-on about it all the time, so it might be best if you run along now, top-up your big shiny 4x4 with (non-contaminated) Middle-Eastern fuel and get yourself down the pub....pronto!

Early....or Here All Along?
(25th February)

Horfield Leisure Centre, City of Bristol

I heard a Willow Warbler near Horfield Leisure Centre this afternoon.! My daughter was competing in a County swimming competition over the weekend and I heard the bird's song coming from a half acre-size area of undergrowth peppered with a handful of Birch trees as we returned to the car.

 
My daughter powers home to finish an exhausting 200m IM race while, later in the day, a spectator seeks diversion in the pages of a magazine during the long, hot, humid and energy-sapping periods between relevant events.

I've seen and heard Willow Warblers more and more throughout the winter period in recent years, but this is the first time I've noted one in the middle of a large city (on the other hand, I don't get into cities all that often, so no real surprise there)!

Sadly, Twitch's latest plans to utilize state-of-the-art satellite technology to establish exactly where Willow Warblers migrate to in the winter have been having some trouble getting off the ground!

This also begs the question....has this little summer visitor turned up in Bristol really early while en route to who knows where, or are the attractions of tropical Africa simply not what they were any more when compared to the heady delights of the increasingly mild UK winter?

Good For You Harry!
(22nd February)

So many experts....so many opinions....so many people who just haven't got a clue!

Like his Gandpa and his uncle Andy before him, HRH Harry is prepared to put his life on the line for his Troop, his Regiment, his Grandma and his Country....You can't deny it, the boy's got sand! now, if only some of our politicians had the same kind of bottle!

With regard to his "safety", it could well be that "special" measures will be set in place every time he goes out on armoured patrol....possible advanced flank reconnaissance by Bgd of Gurkhas, Commachio or Special Forces, continuous and on-going close air-support or even the sudden, mysterious appearance of AWAC at 40,000 feet directly above his known position! If that's the case, then it certainly wont be easy for insurgents to get too close to him without someone raising the alarm, but that sort of thing renders any recce mission of his to be virtually pointless!. On the other hand, I believe he'll just probably be expected to get on with it, if only because the HCR (Blues and Royals) are a top, top regiment with a massive history and they wont want any element of theirs to be seen as getting any kind of special preferential, kid-glove or nurse-maid treatment....it's a regimental pride thing...but who knows?

Prince Andrew, Harry's uncle, piloted a Sea-King helicopter in the Falklands, ferrying troops and supplies into and out of the battle zones in all weathers, day and night! It was a tough, demanding and dangerous job and most such missions came under sometimes heavy fire from enemy ground positions. The often close proximity of Argentine fighter-aircraft was also a constant threat and, according to rumour, the Navy Harriers were kept particularly busy when Andrew was out and about! One Sea-King was downed at night in awful conditions with the loss of both crew and the entire SAS unit on board at the time (it could just have easily been Andrew)! On the other hand, Royal Marines competed to be flown to and fro by HRH, not so much because of his piloting skills (which were more than adequate by the way), but because he was always provided with the very best helicopter, maintained and serviced by the very best available ground crew....such is war!

Whatever special precautions are decided upon, if any, concerning Prince Harry, he will still be expected to undertake the job he was trained to do as a professional soldier serving in HM's armed forces. There will be an enormous expectation from all elements and all ranks within the military for him to be seen to be "doing his bit". I also personally believe that it will be extremely difficult for him, both emotionally and spiritually and as a highly-trained officer recently passed out of the Sandhurst system, not to pull his weight. I believe he's that sort of person! I also believe that the greatest threat to both Harry and his unit will actually come from the scoop-at-any-cost "idiot" contingency currently infecting the world's various press agencies. One wrong word or a single thoughtless press report and Prince Harry's entire unit could be compromised! What was it Cromwell once said...."Sometimes I am less afraid of  the enemy than the misplaced words of a fool!"

Good luck Harry....when all else fails, trust your men, your CO, your God and, above all, your rat-ugly NCO!

Royal Marines Killed
(4th and 21st February)

Jonathan Holland, a Royal Marine of 45 (Four Five) Cdo has been killed in the Sangin District of Helmand Province in Southern Afghanistan today....I feel so sorry for his family and friends!

He follows the death of an, as yet, un-named Marine of 42 (four two) Cdo in an accident involving a Pinzgauer during a convoy deployment also in Helmand Province earlier this month.

Buff-Tail
(18th February)

Buff-Tailed Bumble Bee probably attracted to the illuminated colour patterns on the lamp-shade in the bedroom at home. I watched it as it tried to probe the lamp-shade fabric with its probosis, presumably searching for something to eat (a better shot of it doing this is on the "Home Page" of www.wildliferanger.co.uk).

As I've mentioned on the "Home Page" of www.wildliferanger.co.uk, this fantastic little Buff-Tail flew into my bedroom this evening and settled on the lamp-shade! I've seen several of its White-Tailed cousins throughout the winter and even a Yellow-Banded out and about weeks before it really should have been....not to mention the Wasp I saw recently and the one my daughter ejected from her bedroom back in January!

This is a photograph of a Buff-Tailed Bumble Bee from my Insect archive. I took it in the summer of 2006. The two sets of wings are clearly visible here and served the animal really well as, once released, it set off across the garden on yet another of those (allegedly) "impossible" flights of the Bumble Bee!

As far as I can make out, the Buff-Tail must have requested an early wake-up call....about two months early in fact!....I can't ever remember seeing one earlier than mid-March before today! Unfortunately however, this Bumble Bee and probably hundreds of others like it, will need to feed from flowers as soon as possible, but sadly, there aren't too many flowers out just yet, so there could be a problem!

Valentine's Day Meal for Two
(12th February)

I think I was in Tescos....or possibly Sainsburys first thing this morning (I'm never quite sure which one I'm in to be honest), and I noticed that they're selling special pre-packaged Valentine's Day meals for two. Ah, I thought, I could get one of those for me and pretend that somebody loves me! However, glancing at the label on the "Vegetarian Quorn Love-Bird Special", I noticed that the "best before" date was 13th February....Oh well, I tried!

I remember the only time I ever recieved a Valentine's card through the post....it was 1991, but I never got another....that card cost me 80 pence (plus postage) and I begrudge spending that much money just to feel wanted!

Family Outing
(10th February)

A Grand Day Out!

It was a cold day and snow and ice lay all about, deep and crisp and even (well, not exactly "all about" any more....or so "deep" maybe....or even "even"), but one praise-worthy family were still determined to have a good day out with the kids no matter what! A ride on the narrow-guage railway to please Dad, followed by a walk through the apple orchards down to the river and topped-off (probably) with a trip to the nearby garden-centre cafe for steaming mugs of hot chocolate and huge slices of cherry cake!

It only seems like five minutes since I was doing exactly the same sort of thing with my own kids when they were small and I found myself envying this little nuclear unit! Now my children are teenagers. My son is at university and my daughter does nothing but worry in case I embarrass her by breathing or something when she's out with me! Hey-ho...it's good to be needed!

A chilly walk down to the river, but with most people preferring to stay at home for fear that they might get an overdose of fresh air, it ought to be a very nice day out for a young family!

Meanwhile, I handed out one of my website cards to the family and asked if it would be ok to upload a picture of them on this site....they said that would be fine....so I have!

"Tilt"
(8th February)

First-light and time to top-up the feeders and clear an area of snow upon which to deposit a sizeable pile of mixed seed so that the ground-feeding birds can also get something to eat (if you feed the birds, then please don't forget about the ground-feeders, they tend to miss out a bit in most gardens).

Having cleared an area of the garden of snow first thing this morning and replaced it with a couple of heaped shovelfuls of mixed seed, I went back indoors for breakfast. It wasn't long before the garden was full of all the usual suspects plus a whole bunch of reprobates from out in the surrounding fields.

"Uppity Bill" takes a moment to calm down and regain a sense of perspective after a very stressful morning trying to "see off" so many invaders to his beloved garden!

Twenty minutes later, I counted about forty Chaffinches hopping about in the snow (and a token Brambling), whilst dozens of assorted Tits and a couple of Siskin competed with Greenfinch and Goldfinch at the hanging feeders. Dunnock, as usual, spent more time chasing each other than actually eating anything and half-a-dozen Starling just squabbled for squabbling's sake! Three Pheasant dropped by for their share of seed at the trough and "DT", the Blackbird, defended against all-comers, the Bramley apple I'd crushed up for him! "Scraps", on the other hand, just got on with eating loads of sunflower hearts from his own little tray secreted in one corner of the garden and away from most marauders, while "Uppity Bill", the Robin (and owner of the garden) simply failed to cope with so many avian "intruders" and only really succeeded in throwing all of his toys out of the pram! He then finished-off by having a breath-takingly self-indulgent conniption fit....but all to no avail! Thelma and Louise as always, just appeared to enjoy looking down from above at all the interesting activity, dropping down now and then for a sedate and very superior nibble at the grain pile....you'd think they were Royalty or something!

It was just then that I noticed one bird in particular on the snow and that it was moving very awkwardly. Well, guess what...it was yet another one-legged Chaffinch....a hen bird this time, but, like "Scraps", probably another victim of those stupid plastic mesh-bags used to hold bird-food, such as peanuts or fat-balls and which people hang up in their gardens without realizing how easy it is for birds to snag a claw and break a leg as they fly away....it's even possible for birds like Tits and Finches to lose their leg altogether as it literally snaps off!

I watched the little bird, who I immediately named "Tilt", with great interest and noticed how well she had learned to adapt. However, unlike "Scraps" she had learned to utilize her tail as a kind of prop, plus she used one wing as a crutch and this, together with her remaining leg provided a quite stable tri-pod effect! "Scraps" on the other hand, has overcome his disability by simply "balancing" on his one leg....though this does result in him being blown over onto his face in strong winds sometimes! Whatever works for you I suppose!

In this picture, "Tilt" demonstrates how she uses one wing as a kind of crutch to gain extra support. However, although this is ok on snow or even grass, repeated use of her wing in this way on hard ground will probably result in the primary feathers becoming worn down which will adversely affect her ability to fly!

There was however, another, perhaps more important difference between "Tilt" and "Scraps"...."Tilt" appeared to be very much a part of the large, thirty or so strong flock of Chaffinches that had chosen to fly into my garden from the surrounding fields, presumably because of the snow. She seemed to have no problems integrating with the other birds at all and they all appeared to see her as just another Chaffinch. "Scraps" on the other hand is a loner, not by choice, but because other Chaffinches make his life a misery (particularly the females)! He has therefore learned to cope entirely on his own!

This photograph shows more clearly how this little bird has learned to use her tail for additional support, but unfortunately, the same thing applies where the wearing down of important flight feathers is concerned....Worn primary feathers on one wing will basically result in her flying (if she can fly at all) with a list to one side (the way that faulty tracking can affect the steering on a car). Shorter tail feathers will affect steering in flight more directly and also her ability to compensate for the wing problem. Birds also use their tail feathers to slow down when coming in to land, so I suppose the worse case scenario would mean that "Tilt", once airborne, would find herself flying in ever-decreasing circles with a much reduced ability to stop and with only half her under-carriage to land on when she does finally hit the ground! Perhaps "Scraps" has got it right after all, even though he does fall flat on his face sometimes!

Does this indicate then, a difference in the responses of healthy birds to sick or injured males as opposed to females or is it a difference in responses of one flock as opposed to another? Would "Scraps" in fact, be more "acceptable" if he just happened to belong to "Tilt's" flock? Is there perhaps a difference in behaviour between birds that grow more dependent on handouts in someone's back garden as opposed to birds who do not? I just don't know, but it does help to reaffirm my beliefs that all birds of a single species are NOT the same and that both individually and socially there are many profound differences between them!

Brrr!
Remember, snow might be lots of fun for us and, at worst, a bit inconvenient, but not everyone is entirely taken with it. A bird like this little Blue Tit must eat its own weight in food every single day just to provide enough energy to get through the bitterly cold winter nights (I suffer the same problem!). In fact, many succumb altogether when the temperature drops by just a few degrees below zero. This is why it's so vitally important to feed the birds....especially now, when snow covers everything and life suddenly gets so much tougher for them! You don't have to go mad like me....just a handful of fatty scraps, biscuit crumbs, cold chips or half a slice of bread thrown on the lawn can make all the difference between life or death for some poor little mite! Mind you....definitely NO food in potentially harmful mesh-bags please!

It will be interesting to see if "Tilt" chooses to return to my garden once the snow has disappeared without the rest of her flock to take advantage of the easy pickings. After all, life must be very difficult for her out in the fields. I'm not so sure that "Scraps" would survive now without my help, but then maybe I'm under-estimating his tremendous inner-resolve and proven undauntable determination to survive!

Still Room for Improvement!
(6th February)

What on earth do you suppose they all talk about as they sit there looking like balls of old woolly socks with beaks....and is there some kind of "pecking" order do you think, that dictates who's stuck on the end of the line during the bitterly cold nights?

Having spent more than an hour creeping about trying to photograph a flock of 27 Twite just up the road, I've still only managed to get a handful of fuzzy shots, but at least they are a little bit better than the ones I took the other day (see the entry for 28th January).

 
Getting close to these guys is a really tough undertaking, but I promise to do better next time!

Twite are so twitchy. It was late afternoon, getting chilly and the light was fading. This lot had pretty much finished feeding for the day, but were continuing to fly in typically loose formations around and about the adjoining fields. They would settle occasionally in a long line on some telegraph wires I'd worked my way towards, where they would snuggle as close together as possible for security and warmth. There would always be at least two birds facing in the oppsite direction to all the others however, as "lookouts" and were probably making sure that the loony with the camera couldn't sneak up on them from behind! . Worse still, as most of the birds gradually settled down to roost, there was still not a single moment when all the Twite would tuck their chins into their chest feathers at the same time and shut their eyes for a quick snooze (a bit like flocks of wildfowl)! Extreme alertness to the possible approach of any danger is just one of the advantages to be gained from flocking behaviour I guess, but there's no doubt that these little fellas have got it all down to a thoroughly co-ordinated and highly effective art form! Fear not however, I'm determined to get even better results soon....I shall not be beaten by a bunch of overly-nervous finches....well, probably not! 

Izzy Whizzy, Let's Get Busy
(4th February)

Well done to Sam and Joe who hung on in Suffolk for all the right reasons, but who have made themselves very unpopular with certain businessmen out that way! How does Sam track these things down? I could have been there for months and not noticed anything amiss in those areas!

Meanwhile, everyone else except me is also there and already the local BGs are declining to help....ignorance prevails (but we expect that) and the press are as stupid as ever of course! Interesting that two families in the area have already been stopped in their cars by police because they were wearing full NBC suits! The last time something like that happened was in Hereford when the bug got loose....a local couple and their eight year-old son were pulled over by police because they were noticed driving along the A49 in full NBC! The dad turned out to be an amateur short-band radio-hacker and fully paid-up A-list Survivalist and spent his evenings snooping in on military wavebands. He was let off with a Redcap caution, but they made him sign a legal SO and confiscated all his NBC (about £2000 worth!) in case he started worrying his neighbours!

Suffolk needn't be a problem provided everything is contained.  Fear and panic are the bastard offspring of ignorance and supposition and that's where the press comes in....As long as they only report the facts and don't start making it up as they go along, then everything will be just fine and dandy.

DO NOT PANIC....BIRD-FLU, IN ITS PRESENT FORM, IS NOT A THREAT TO THE PUBLIC AT LARGE....NO MATTER HOW THE PRESS TRY TO SPIN IT!

IGNORE THE NEWSPAPERS, QUESTION THE POLITICIANS, BUT BELIEVE THE EXPERTS....FOR ONCE, I'M RIGHT BEHIND THE LATTER....AT LEAST FOR NOW!

THE BIRD-FLU VIRUS CAN ONLY MUTATE INTO A HUMAN-TO-HUMAN FORM AFTER SOMEONE  HAS MANAGED TO CONTRACT THE H5N1 STRAIN OF THE VIRUS THROUGH DIRECT CONTACT WITH AN INFECTED BIRD! IT WOULD POSSIBLY ALSO HELP IF THEY WERE SUFFERING FROM ORDINARY FLU OR A COMMON COLD THEMSELVES AT THE SAME TIME!

THAT PERSON MUST THEN ALSO  PROVE TO BE A SUITABLE HOST FOR THE VIRUS TO ACTUALLY MUTATE INTO A HUMAN-TO-HUMAN FORM AND THAT WOULD ONLY APPLY TO A VERY SMALL PERCENTAGE OF THE POPULATION!

STATISTICALLY, YOU ARE THREE TIMES MORE LIKELY TO WIN THE LOTTERY JACKPOT THAN BECOME INFECTED WITH H5N1 IN ITS PRESENT FORM!

IF YOU LIVE IN SUFFOLK, JUST CARRY ON WITH YOUR LIVES AS NORMAL, BUT TAKE A FEW SIMPLE, ELEMENTARY PRECAUTIONS, SUCH AS ENSURING THAT YOU DO NOT COME INTO CONTACT WITH ANY LIVE BIRDS OR THEIR FAECES DIRECTLY.

DO NOT DO ANYTHING STUPID....SUCH AS HARMING ANY DOMESTIC OR WILD BIRDS YOURSELF! THINK IT THROUGH....THIS WOULD ONLY RESULT IN SOMEONE WHO MIGHT LATER COME INTO CONTACT WITH YOU OR YOUR NEAREST AND DEAREST HAVING TO DISPOSE OF THE CARCASS BEFORE IT WAS SCAVENGED BY OTHER, EQUALLY VULNERABLE SPECIES SUCH AS MINK, FOX OR RAT AND WHO ARE ALSO KNOWN TO BE SUSCEPTIBLE TO INFECTION THEMSELVES THROUGH DIRECT CONTACT WITH THE INTESTINES AND/OR FAECES OF DEAD INFECTED BIRDS!

SIX OF THE UKNR ARE CURRENTLY SCOURING THE FIELDS, WOODS, WATERWAYS AND COASTAL AREAS OF SUFFOLK AND THE NORTH COAST OF NORFOLK FOR FURTHER SIGNS OF THE INFECTION. THEY ARE THE BEST OF THE BEST AT THIS, BUT I KNOW THAT EACH IS ALSO PREPARED TO EAT HIS HAT IF HE FINDS SO MUCH AS A SNOTTY TISSUE!

Bird Farms....I hate bl**dy bird farms! All that avian misery just so Mr and Mrs Dipstick can have their Christmas lunch just like Momma used to do....and don't get me started on battery hens!

I've been "veggy" for forty-seven years now, since back before it got all trendy not to eat meat....back to a time when you had to come from planet Mars to even think about not eating it! No M&S vegetarian ready-meals back then or green label thingys on packaging. "Pulses" were things that your doctor took and people thought that "pasta" was probably an Italian expletive!

I even got through six years in the military without eating meat....and I didn't get so much as a medal for it or anything! Those six years by the way, also included a four week "Sod-You" ("Survive or Die you Useless Tossers") holiday for four (no mod-cons) on some God-forsaken, remote, previously uncharted Outer Hebridean island, where the most appetizing things on the five-star menu were "worm and beetle omelette" and lightly toasted "gull gizzard and rabbit cahone hotpot"! Tempting though the other dishes obviously were,  I stuck to my own version of "kelp surprise"....though usually without the kelp (that was the surprise)....unless of course, we'd had a good two or three day lashing from a helpful storm-force eleven coming in from the Arctic Circle to tear some up from the sea-bed!

We lost nearly five stone between us (almost two from me!) during those four weeks (not bad considering that there wasn't an ounce of fat on any of us to begin with)! There must be a Dieting DVD opportunity in there somewhere....or maybe a "Celebrity Shipwrecked" type of reality TV show where as many as possible of our more "testing" celebs could be abandoned completely to fend for themselves on a similar, very remote and candid camera-infested Scottish island for a few weeks....a sort of cross between "Lord of the Flies", "Celebrity Fat Camp", "Nature Watch" and "Lost"!  No stupid tasks or challenges, just the slow and eminently satisfying emaciation of over-inflated egos! Avuncular and level-headed Ray Mears could host the show, while ex-SAS survival experts Chris McNab and Lofty Whitehouse could offer remote technical "illumination" from a nice cosy studio somewhere in London. Meanwhile, much-beloved Wildlife presenter and charismatic birder to the people, Bill Oddie, could provide the glamour from a specially adapted hide over-looking the island....I'd certainly watch it!

Anyhoo, apart from the fact that I look absolutely nothing like any stereo-typical vegetarian you've ever seen, I stopped announcing that I'm a veggy years ago, or at least once vegetarianism had become popular. Big Business had suddenly realized that around three to five million Brits with veggy tendencies represented money in the bank and began to cater for them big-time in the shops!

However, I find that many people who happen to find themselves dining alongside me in a host of situations feel very uncomfortable (even today) about my previously undisclosed attitudes concerning the eating of meat or fish. Some choose to believe that I must be sitting in judgement of them and they can get quite defensive. What people choose to eat is their business....both my kids eat meat for example and always have (though I put my foot down about purchasing "factory processed" meat or letting them use fast-food burger chains!). People need to make their own choices and come to their own decisions, provided that those decisions are born out of informed understanding rather than just plain ignorance or tradition for tradition's sake!

Hard to believe it now (I know my children certainly don't), but there was nothing short of complete incredulity and widespread, open hostility towards such things as vegetarianism in the 1950s and 60s, even when it involved (perhaps especially when it involved) an over-idealistic twelve year-old who simply refused to eat his free school dinners (remember, the last vestiges of war-time rationing had only finally disappeared a few years before). I would be made to sit and stare at my uneaten cottage pie or spam-and-mash mush through my entire lunch-break until I ate it....cold if necessary....and had to be grateful for it!  I always refused to touch it however, and subsequently received one whack across the palm of each hand (on at least two occasions) from headmaster "Bert" Weedon and his ever-faithful "Mr.Whippy" (see "Slices" www.wildliferanger.co.uk)! Then there were the letters to my parents about my un-natural behaviour and the referrals....firstly to the school nurse and then the schools inspectorate (or schools "expectorant" as my Dad preferred to call them)....Oh well,....I've never been seen as "normal" by anyone really, but that's another story!

There's a parent at my daughter's swimming club who has said to me on a number of occasions that she'd love to be vegetarian....if she had the time. Alas however, it's all just too much hassle. She's a very busy woman you see and it would all be a lot of trouble! Then she looks at me, expecting sympathy for her plight....I just think of "Kelp Surprise" and "Mr Whippy"...."Kelp Surprise" and "Mr Whippy"!

Alright on the Twite
(28th January)

 
Twite in the trees surrounding the fields just across from my house. I'll try to get much closer if I can this week, for some better images....these couldn't really be much worse, but because they are such nervous birds and there are so many pairs of eyes keeping a look-out at any one time, Twite are extremely difficult to approach!

They're late this year, but I'm pleased to see that the Twite have returned to the trees and fields behind my house. It's a loose flock of thirty or so birds with what looks to me like a few Linnets stirred in for good measure....I've seen the odd Yellowhammer latching on to flocks of Twite in the past (and have even photographed them doing it) and the occasional Redwing will also  attach itself to a flock of Carduelis flavirostris for an hour or two, but I don't remember seeing Twite and Linnet mixing in flocks before! This lot however, have been together since the Twite arrived on 23rd January!

Is It Just Me?
(26th January)

I've mentioned before in this diary about how I was many miles from home in some town park or other, minding my own business, pottering about around the water margins of a small lake, when I suddenly became aware of a somewhat gargantuan, shaven-headed, tattoo be-decked individual who was allowing his equally large, off-the-lead and very aggressive-looking dog to rampage about all over the place! Its behaviour was extremely intimidating  for other park users, particularly dog-owners, as it ran repeatedly, right up to their own animals, constantly growling and barking! The man did nothing to control the aberrant hound except shout the occasional expletive as it ran too far away, even for him!

I approached the man and asked him politely if he wouldn't mind retstraining his dog as it appeared to be causing some upset and pointed out that there were also a number of small children in the park who might be at risk.

Two Things
(24th January)

1....I really should be down in Devon helping out with the oil-slicked seabirds, perhaps getting into some of the more inaccessible places to retrieve them, but not this week. Instead I've got to give evidence in court....two separate courts, in two different counties....Sugar!

2....As an addendum to the piece on celebrities I wrote on the 15th January....I've had a staggering four e-mails from people wanting to know who the other seventeen individuals are that I consider to be "A-list" celebrities and do I include so-and-so and such-and-such?

Well, I don't entirely understand why anyone else should give a flying fish about what I think, but here are ten more anyway (I'll keep you guessing about the other seven)....

Princess Diana
John F Kennedy
Bruce Lee
Winston Churchill
Mother Teresa of Calcutta
Mozart
Michaelangelo
The Prophet Muhammad
Siddartha Gautama
Jesus Christ

Like the ones below, these are names that most people might consider to be such obvious choices that they are virtually cliches, but then, that's exactly what I would consider to be perhaps the most important criterion for entry onto my particular list of all-time "True Celebtrities". Others might feel that they are so obvious that they'd prefer to choose less likely or more obscure movers and shakers just to be a bit different, but doesn't that rather defeat the object?

Ignorance
(21st January)

Ms. Goody et al take note....

One winter's evening, a long, long time ago, a young black man called Mr. Clay, ignored a sign on the front door of a restaurant in Washington DC that said "No Blacks or Coloreds Allowed!" and sat down at a table to be served. The management not only refused to serve him, but pointed to the sign and asked him to leave the premises immediately!

An outraged, and thoroughly incredulous Mr Clay ran across the busy road to a bridge spanning the mighty Potomac River where he reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a hefty-looking gold medal. He stared at the object held tightly in his trembling fingers for a long time before suddenly throwing it as far as he could, out across the freezing water where it disappeared forever into the inky blackness! For the first and last time Mr. Clay wept openly in public!

Since that day, many have tried to find the medal, but it remains, perhaps meaningfully, lost to the world!

A few years later, Mr Clay re-invented himself by turning to Islam and changing his name to Mohammed Ali. By the year 2000, he had been overwhelmingly voted the most outstanding sports personality of the 20th century and finally got to have his sit-down meal at the notorious restaurant down by the river....by special invitation. Meanwhile, hundreds of TV journalists and press photographers jostled and elbowed each other outside the building to catch a glimpse of the man most people believe to be the greatest sportsman in history!

In an interview around that time, Mohammed Ali was asked if he ever regretted throwing his medal into the Potomac....

"What is the point of winning an Olympic medal in the name of your country in the first place" he replied, "let alone keeping it, if the laws of that country allow and even encourage others to treat you as a second-class citizen because of the colour of your skin?".

The interviewer went on to argue that things had surely improved....hadn't they and that, like the infamous sign on the restaurant door, the ignorance had disappeared....hadn't it?

Mohamed Ali stared at the questioner for a moment....

"Ignorance is still out there" he said finally, "but it is wrong to use ignorance as an  excuse for prejudice....it was then, is now and always will be the only reason for it!"

Snipe
(Now You See Them, Now You Don't)
(20th January)

Cotswold Water Park late this afternoon.

I would like to apologise to the two very knowledgeable gentlemen I chatted to at Cotswold Water Park this afternoon. They were birders based in Swindon and were enjoying (until they met me) a pleasant afternoon adding a few new species to their annual list for 2007. They'd asked me if I'd seen anything interesting bird-wise while I'd been there, but I hadn't really....apart from a pair of Snipe hunkered down in scrubby grass near the disused, but currently flooded canal.

I'd only spotted them myself by chance when one of the birds stretched one wing as I was looking in that general direction. I told the gents about the Snipe, but we failed miserably to spot them again! They are so brilliantly camouflaged (the birds that is, not the birders!) that it's pretty much like looking for....er....Snipe....hiding in a field of scrubby grass!

Snipe are rarely easy to see and the three shown in this photograph, taken a while ago, were no exception.

It always looks as though I'm making it up when that sort of thing happens. I even went back later on to have another look, but still couldn't see them!....Anyhoo, the birders were fine about it, despite the fact that I also gave them details of my websites!

I do hope that they eventually got to see the Great Northern Diver currently inhabiting one of the other lakes, as I think that they were hoping to add it to their list. Meanwhile, they might be interested to know that I shall be off to see and hopefully photograph the Bittern they told me about early next week....if it's still there....which it probably wont be! I checked my notebooks and the last time I saw a Bittern was in January 1997, exactly ten years ago....so maybe that's a good sign!

Tourists
(19th January)

I've mentioned before that lots of people stop to talk to me when I'm out and about doing ranger stuff. They usually just want to know who I am and what I'm doing (or is that just the police?). Today was no exception and I must have had at least a dozen conversations with various groups and individuals.

Many tourists like to visit the Cotswolds from all over the world....even in January. I very often find myself surrounded by groups of camera-wielding Japanese ladies and gentlemen for example, delighted to have discovered an Englishman who will attempt to converse in their native tongue....Nor do they ever tire of hearing that the "pen of my aunt is in the garden" and that "the next train to Kyoto will be on Tuesday"!

I stopped off in Bourton-on-the Water on the way home this afternoon and spent an hour poking around the network of small lakes and ponds situated on the edge of the village before following the River Windrush back to the chip shop. On the way, a small party of American visitors stopped me for a few moments. They were all very friendly and happy to chat and I was introduced to a lady who was keen to reveal that her son had recently qualified for entry into a US Naval training college in, I think she said,  California. She was obviously very proud of him and so she should be. However. despite the abundant pride in the tone of her voice and her friendly smile, something in her eyes betrayed a mother's concern for her child (something I've seen many times before). Her boy had become a man, but had chosen a profession that could place him in mortal danger and she was worried as only a mum can be.

For that lady I shall say this....Your son has made his decision, a very good one in my opinion and my guess is that you are someone who has the inner resolve and strength of character to support that decision in every possible way. It just so happens that he has embarked upon a career in one of the best equipped and most professional organizations of modern times. The US Navy is world-renowned for taking special care of its people and I know that they will take care of your son. They will help him to grow and develop as both a man and a human being. He will learn invaluable new leadership and decision-making skills. He will command respect amongst his shipmates (provided they don't read this) and become a true "professional" in ways that are not possible in more ordinary walks of life. He will make friends and encounter comrades who he will come to trust with his very life and he will learn to reciprocate that trust....with interest!

Yes, there may well be times in such an unstable and unpredictable world as ours when he does face danger....it would be wrong to deny it (at least for as long as the politicians continue to run the asylum), but hard work and tough training regimes plus the undeniable quality of those who will lead him will always raise the odds enormously in his favour. I wont say don't worry, that would be both pointless and wrong, but I shall say this, statistically at least, your son would be in far greater danger if he was driving a New York cab, policing the streets of L.A. or serving behind the counter in your local K-Mart!

Your son, even though I'm sure that he will deny it, is one of a rare and special breed....a person prepared to put his money where his mouth is in his willingness to defend, with absolute conviction, his beliefs, his country and everything he holds most dear.

Finally, I shall say that for you at least, he has always been very special....as your son, but soon he will be special for the whole world to see! Believe me....he WILL shine!

I apologise for sounding like a poor man's JFK, but I know that your son will be in good hands and I wish him all the luck in the world!

Bullying on TV? Surely Not!
(17th January)

Have I been hearing correctly? Could it possibly be that, in this day and age and on our beloved TV screens no less, there really is a blatant case of racist bullying?

Typical British mutant-type  ugloids of questionable IQ are apparently being totally intimidated by some demure, well-educated, talented, wealthy, Asian, raven-haired beauty of inversely proportional intelligence who, unbelievably it seems,  insists on talking in sentences composed entirely of intelligible, multi-syllabic words with no hint of an expletive! Crikey, no wonder said ugloids feel so intimidated....they wont understand a bl**dy word she's saying! That's not right is it? I'm not surprised that thousands of people are complaining!

"Wife, get me parchment, ink and quill....I'm writing to our MP!....er....who is our MP exactly? Who?....What d'you mean we haven't had an election for years so he hasn't called round!....It's a HE is it?"

"Scraps" Update
(16th January)

"Scraps"

I have just received an e-mail from Mrs. R who is concerned that I have not been keeping either her (or my other reader) fully up to date with regard to the progress of some of the bird "characters" who frequent my garden. She was particularly worried about "Scraps", the little one-legged male Chaffinch who is featured on the "home page" of my other website www.wildliferanger.co.uk and she was wondering if he's still around.

Well, Mrs. R, Scraps is doing really well and has completely mastered a disability that, by rights, should have killed him! He must be the bird-world equivalent of Douglas Bader! Scraps is in and out of my garden all day, every day and has grown far too dependent on handouts from me. In fact I have to make sure that someone puts food out for him when I'm away! I don't think he'd actually starve, but he is more vulnerable than other Chaffinches. Scraps isn't the biggest Spink on the block either (compare him with the Chaffinch pictured on the "Brown page" of this site) and he tends to get picked on for two reasons....his obvious disability and his diminutive size. I'm sure that this is why he doesn't "flock" with other Chaffinches....he's always being chased away, mostly by the hen birds oddly enough....though it's not for the want of him trying to join in!

Meanwhile, I took the above picture of him this morning, just for you, while the sun was out and after he'd finally finished stuffing his face with the sunflower hearts I always put on his special tray. In fact, on days when I might be a little bit late putting out food for him, he's sometimes cheeky enough to actually perch for ages, albeit with a bit of a wobble, on the edge of the empty tray as if to say "Oi, you big lummox, where's my sunflower hearts?".

 
Thelma and Louise enjoy a snooze (above left) on a very hot summer's day in July 2006 in the shade of the tall trees at the end of the garden. Seven months later, in February 2007 (above right), they are still spending most of the day together in the same tree, on exactly the same branch! I dread to think what one will do if anything untoward happens to the other....They're virtually inseperable!

You'll also be pleased to hear that Collared Doves, Thelma and Louise (now not quite the only gays in the village by all accounts!) remain ensconced in the tall trees at the end of the garden where they will sit side by side for ages, just watching the world go by. Scores and scores of birds visit my garden every day and, apart from a readily available supply of food, this seems to be a major attraction for the this odd pair of lovely lovie-dovies!

 
"It's ok Ma, I'm King of the World!" James Cagney, he may not be (above left), but there's no doubt that "DT" really does think he's something special ! Meanwhile (above right) , only two of his offspring survived to fledge during the summer of 2006. They ate anything and everything I put out for them plus all the stuff that DT and his missus found time to shove down their throats....and they just kept getting bigger and bigger and bigger! Within a week of taking this picture however, DT had finally had enough and chased them from the garden....and that was that....mind you, I bet he's not stuck paying university fees!

The irascible Turdus merula, "DT" is fit and well and, like Uppity-Bill the belligerent Robin, still thinks that not only is he the ruler of the world, but that the big, ugly guy from inside the house thingy is there solely to provide an endless supply of tasty mealworms! Although DT wont actually come into the house itself like Uppity-Bill often will, he does occasionally sit on the patio bench to stare at me through the French windows until I get him a handful of his favourites wrigglies! To his credit, DT has also been able to maintain a fairly stable relationship with his somewhat twitchy partner and the pair successfully managed to raise two enormous youngsters in a nest behind the top shed last summer!

 
"Uppity Bill" the belligerent Robin (above left) and the slightly less tame, but equally recalcitrant, "Mrs Uppity Bill" (above right)!

Unfortunately, I haven't seen "Columbo", the White Dove in the garden since around the end of October and I fear the worst! I saw two attempts by the local hen Sparrow-hawk to take him during the summer, but he was just quick enough to escape on those occasions. Being such a pure white colour also brought him to the attention of the local cat population! I guess that a solitary White Dove is always going to have the odds stacked against it!

Yet Another Royal Marine Killed in Action!
(15th January)

Matthew Ford of 45 (four five) Cdo was tragically killed in action today. That's two good men in three days and I really feel for their families!

It must be pretty desperate out there in those morale-sapping war zones because these guys are extremely good at what they do, especially when it comes to keeping each other alive!

I just don't think that the Great British Public has the remotest clue as to what's really going on in either Iraq or Afghanistan!  It's one thing to have most of the folks back home supporting your every move, as they did with the Falklands War and it's another to have them totally against you (as experienced by the Americans in Vietnam), but it must be hugely deflating to realize that the general public neither understands what you're going through or even appears to care....it's totally macabre!

Swan-eater!

Before I launch into one of my ridiculously over-long witterings that absolutely no-body ever reads, I would just like to draw attention to the complete moron this week who apparently intends to catch and eat a wild Swan as some sort of protest against all things "Royal"!

Apart from the fact that Swans enjoy a very complex, family-orientated system of social interaction and that the death of a single member of that group adversely affects all the others, could someone please tell me why it is that people who are apparently so desperate to make some sort of exaggerated protest against something they feel very strongly about, are always so hung-up on the belief that they'll get loads of extra publicity points simply by inflicting pain, misery or death on another living creature? How are they ever able to justify its sacrifice in the name of their "cause"? The animal itself doesn't understand what's going on or why it has to die! It also seems very strange that such people are so rarely prepared to inflict any pain, misery or death upon themselves instead....a far more noble gesture in my opinion! I tend to have great sympathy for the desperate resolve and hard-core determination of most hunger-strikers for example, even if I don't agree with their politics!

Surely, this idiot must realize that he'd get a far more positive and sympathetic reaction from the British public if he pulled off a stunt like throwing himself naked onto the pointy railings at Buckingham Palace from the top of a double-decker bus with a Union flag stuck up his jaxy or something....plus we'd all get a good laugh as well!

Basically I don't like extremists, no matter what their "cause" happens to be! That also includes extreme animal rights activists....a bunch of overly self-indulgent kids who don't know s**t from sugar when it comes to really "understanding" pain and injustice....the kind you tend to find in any of the world's more unforgiving crap-holes! Violent-minded extremists get in our way and prevent us doing our job properly....the way it should be done....within the confines of the Law....and, if you think the Law sucks, then at least have the strength of character and personal resolve to try changing it from the inside-out instead of just throwing rocks at it!

Hunting with hounds is a good case in point. If we were ever asked to monitor the activities of a Hunt by the local police, we wouldn't like doing it, but we'd probably have to. However, I can assure you that you can do far more damage hidden in a tree-line with a long-lens camera from 200 metres and the due process of law to back you up than any mob of masked anti-hunt thugs throwing paint, darts and bleach at horses and riders could ever achieve during a pointless debacle between themselves and the pro-hunt brigade....and before thou doth protest too much, I've actually seen for myself the dart and bleach-throwing antics being carried out by thugs with more double-standards than brain cells while another ranger felt obliged to finally "tap" a guy carrying a paint-stripper-type blow-torch before he hurt himself or, more importantly, the terrified horse he was pointing it at! It all gets so unnecessarily ugly, but it's still not comparable to a full-blown Belfast sectarian riot....you tend to remember those for the rest of your life!

Anyhoo, before I go completely off on one....

Up Before the Beak!
(14th January)

Well....not me personally, but I do have to give evidence in court soon in two work-related cases in two different counties....luckily not on the same day! Funny though, I've only had one threatening letter this time....anonymous of course and consisting of a mere thirty-one words altogether....hardly worth bothering really! However, what it lacked in length, it more than made up for with its eleven expletives, nine spelling mistakes and three changes of tense....and I'd say that that in itself, is a quite commendable achievement!

I don't like this side of the job, but it's very often my photographs that form the back-bone of the prosecution evidence!" Sometimes I've taken pictures from as far away as two or even three hundred metres and the defence council are usually confident that the quality of the images will be negligible and prove totally inconclusive....until they see them! However, when it comes to photographing Tits for example, I find that there are basically two types....there are the little feathery hyper-active jobbies, such as Parus caeruleus,  that flit about in the bushes and are really difficult to get any decent pictures of at all....and then there's the increasingly common Parus idioticus....a slow-witted, slow-moving, two-legged perpetrator of evil deeds in the country-side who is all too easy to photograph (with usually excellent results) even from three-hundred metres!

I was asked recently, why I don't try photographing celebrities instead of "wasting" all my time photographing "stupid birds"....and maybe make some money on the side. Well, first of all, you'd have to show me a celebrity (any celebrity) who was one tenth as beautiful or as interesting as even the most ordinary common-or-garden bird and then you'd have to go on to convince me that tracking down and snapping even the most reclusive of celebrities was a fraction as difficult or subsequently rewarding as photographing such rare species of bird as, for example, Cirl Buntings or Cattle Egrets!

Wildlife photography in general and bird photography in particular will always be infinitely more satisfying and challenging to me than the thought of clicking away at so-called celebrities and feeding into their egos as though you're some kind of media-driven saline drip! People are far too predictable in their habits, even the rich and the famous. Birds on the other hand, are rarely at all predictable and I shall always prefer the constant frustrations of yet another unsuccessful day out in the cold, the mud and the wet trying to get a half-decent shot of a Bullfinch (my nemesis!) or a Chough (surely a mythical bird!) than the "triumph" of getting that "perfect" shot of Posh and Becks doing their shopping in Oxford Street....even though I could probably sell such an image on for thousands of pounds!

My answer didn't really satisfy the person who'd raised the subject in the first place however and he went on to demand that I tell him who I would personally class as being a "true celebrity". I gave him a few names off the top of my head, but went on to think about it much more carefully at home later on. After sitting down for nearly an hour with a note-pad and pencil, I'd only come up with twenty-seven "A-list" names....and they were mostly of dead people!

For me, a "true celebrity" must, first and foremost, be (or have been) a genuinely and uniquely talented individual in their genre with an almost un-nerving aura of inescapable "presence" about them. They will probably have a lifetime of outstanding achievement to their credit and possess  a blatantly obvious, but,  at times, unfathomable "star-qualitiness" that invariably sets them apart from the rest of the common herd! Such pre-requisites of course, immediately disqualify 99.9% of the 650 or so "celebrities" (apparently) currently participating in one type of reality TV show or another!

I could go on about it, but I'm sure you get my drift. Here then, are just ten of those twenty-seven names. They're not in any particular order and any others you might think ought to be there are probably amongst the other seventeen on the list....

Elvis Presley
Marilyn Monroe
John Lennon
Martin-Luther King
(I think it's actually MLK Day in the USA today!)
Gandhi
Spike Milligan
Muhammed Ali
Eric Morecome
Oscar Wilde
Tommy Cooper

Royal Marine Dies in the Middle East!
(13th January)

Thomas Curry RM....Another brave and honest man lost in a desperate cause!

Answers
(11th January)

I apologize for being slightly remiss in replying to some of the e-mails I've been getting recently....most of them concern aspects of this site specifically or about rangering in general....one or two are about me! Here then, are a few replies (please note, I've put the initials or part of the name of the person asking the question first, followed by my reply. Sadly however, I can't be fished to type out the question as well, so anyone else reading this will have to work it out for themselves....

Robert B.......Yes, the banner looks just fine and I hope I've done yours ok as well. Thank-you and happy birding!

Rebecca J.......No, definitely not! Johnny Kingdom is not only ten times better looking than me, but has a lorry-load more personality. I tend to keep mine in a very, very small box behind the sofa! Mr. Kingdom's effervescent enthusiasm and his "what the heck's going to happen next?" ad hoc, home-video presentation style is a breath of fresh air in the world of TV wildlife programming....and the TV camera seems to love him too....when it can keep up with him that is!

H T.......I really don't have a clue, unless by smell maybe!

G T G.......Any military surplus-type shop will have them and there's probably a shop near you. If not, you could try the internet. We've used all the following sites over the years....Silverman's, Surplus and Outdoors, Kit Pongo and the Hogman, Whipperly's, Militarykit.com, BCB International and SurvivalAids (the latter two are more for professional outfits, security forces and the military, but they might be happy for you to set up an account....after all, they need to turn a profit just like anyone else! Another site called RangerSurplus.com is quite good value.

Max.......Sorry Max, none of us in UKNR actually like guns and wont offer any advice on purchasing them. I shall say this though....We were all trained to think of firearms as "weapons" and were never allowed to call them "guns"....that's a civilian term shared with toy manufacturers. Firearm safety (an oxymoron if ever there was one!) requires that anyone handling such things quickly develops a very special type of mindset, one that can only be born out of intensive training, total self-discipline and constant mindfulness of all potential hazards....and if you think that's all a bit over-the-top then pause to consider the following statistics....

About 11% of British households apparently have a firearm of some kind or other (predominantly air rifles and shotguns, but also a sprinkling of semi-automatic pistols), but few civilians outside of "gun clubs" receive any formal training whatsoever concerning the maintenance and/or use of such guns (weapons).  However, 100% of British military servicemen and women are issued with what can only be described as "serious" firearms, for which they receive intensive, comprehensive and on-going instructional-type training. It's also a fact that of all the thousands of serious or fatal injuries resulting from "accidents" with firearms during the last ten years, less than 2% have involved either currently serving or former military personnel!

Basically Max, my only advice would be don't bother buying a firearm at all, but if you feel that you must, then make sure that you join a reputable gun club where fully qualified experts will insist that you familiarize yourself with all aspects of firearm ownership and usage. By the way, you might also be interested to know that over in the USA the handgun has now officially taken over from the big, powerful car as the primary link between a man's self-perceived sexual inadequacy and the need to purchase something that will subconsciously compensate for it....this is also the reason, according to the American Institute of Motor Manufacturers, that the market for "small, fast" sports cars has declined so drastically in recent years (true)!

Kelly T.......In anticipation (following on from the previous answer) and before you bother asking....Just average!

Gaffa.......No, not for years!

Elaine R.......He's married!

S R L.......I'll e-mail a copy to you.

Adrian T.......Try vaseline to loosen it or use epoxy resin to keep it there permanently!

Anon.......What you choose to believe about Big-Cats Mr/Ms Anon is fine by me. It's all pretty academic anyway, but as far as using "proper professionals" to do the job of finding them is concerned, there are already a number of precedents....including the troop of Royal Marines complete with specialist Marine recce-tracker back in 1983, who were employed, together with half the Cornish constabulary, to comb Bodmin Moor, section by re-section, in a concerted and much publicised effort to find the infamous "Beast of Bodmin", but with no luck to speak of....although the marine tracker did return to search by himself at a later date and, after several weeks, became convinced that an indeterminable number of Big-Cats actually were at large on the Moor!

More recently, about four years ago,  a Canadian-born tracker/wilderness specialist came to the Cotswolds and teamed up with a British Big-Cat expert in an effort to prove conclusively, one way or the other, that Big-Cats were roaming the Cotswolds....There had been a large number of sightings around that time and most were reported in the local newspapers (although there appeared to have been as many different kinds of cat as there were sightings)!

The Canadian and Brit duo arrived, complete with TV film crews, producers and assorted hangers-on and proceeded to parade across the countryside like some sort of Chipperfield's Circus performer's grand day out! They even parked a huge mobile trailer-canteen wherever they went and two American-type RVs. They brought miscellaneous technical support vehicles and some sort of props/costume van to boot! They had virtually no chance of finding or seeing so much as a Grey Squirrel's nuts let alone spotting any kind of big feline! Although, at one point, they did actually pass to within about two hundred metres of a lair and I'm willing to bet that the owner was watching them with even more bemused interest than us!

How do I know all this? Well, Happy Sam and I followed them wherever they went and watched them scratching about for clues, talking to locals, doing bits and pieces to camera and leaving different sorts of bait (always taken by foxes) in front of various laser night-vision and infra-red auto-trigger cameras at dusk each evening before returning to the comfort of their RVs. This went on for four truly uneventful days. Oddly though, it was the junior go-fers who were sent to check the cameras at dawn (the time you are actually most likely to see a Big-Cat as it returns to its lair/den after a night on the town)!  The circus didn't see us either by the way! The programme was aired months later and made to look as though our two intrepid trackers had been roughing it alone in the wilds for weeks and had managed to come across all kinds of intriguing bits and pieces, but thankfully, their investigations proved inconclusive!

Pish-posh as Monty Burns would say!

If you actually want to "see" a Big Cat for yourself before you are willing to believe in them Mr/Ms Anon, then you are very wise and that's exactly what I would say, but to see one by design, you would have to be prepared to sit very, very still in something like an old manure heap (to help disguise your scent) in all weathers with good night-vision equipment in the most likely place you can think of to see one for as long as it takes....and that could be for weeks! Urinating on selective tree trunks every day for a month or two in advance across your target area might also go some way towards getting the animal to start taking your scent for granted (and possibly getting yourself arrested!), but the bottom line is that it really helps to have your very own Happy Sam. He knows stuff about tracking things that would never occur to ordinary mortals like you or me and which just aren't written about in books. He also happens to have a very interesting CV, derived, in part, from tracking rare wildlife species in some of the least hospitable places of the world for all kinds of organizations, as well as American, German and French TV!

Well, think what you like. I've been warned that it's not a very good idea to mention Big-Cats on the internet, though I can always delete any reference I make to them.  Anyhoo, that's all I'm prepared to say on the subject from now on!

No Way to Treat an Icon
(8th January)

Firstly, I would like to say how sorry I am to hear about the sad demise of Magnus Magnusson....He was a gentleman, a true professional, an extremely knowledgeable ornithologist and....a legend! He'll be sorely missed!

Secondly....What the hell are the snot-nosed scheduling executive-types doing at the BBC? The 650th edition of "The Sky at Night" with a special guest astronaut making a one-off appearance and, of course, the brilliant Patrick Moore presenting....and it's to be aired at nearly three in the morning!

Apparently, there was absolutely no time-slot available during peak-viewing hours for the 10 minute show with its iconic presenter amidst the over-whelming tsunami of mind-bogglingly bland and talent-less z-list celebrities appearing on all the "Two of a Kind"-type reality crap that's getting so increasingly difficult to avoid of late!

I guess that even the BBC will feel it has to gradually succumb to the perceived public demand for air-head programming over and above such quality shows as "The Sky at Night". I suppose that TSaN's problem is that it actually "engages" people's minds and you can't have that can you? Yet, to treat a British institution like Patrick Moore in such a way defies belief! The man's an icon, part of our National heritage and, like similar icons "Fluff" Freeman and Magnus, he's not going to be around forever!

Come on BBC boss-types....you've got your personal parking spaces, the key to the executive washroom and a secretary to do at least 95% of your mostly self-justification-type work....let us have Patrick on our TV screens at a time when our children can benefit from this man's wonderfully enthusiastic and eminently charismatic presentation style. He is, after all, one of the very few celebrity thoroughbreds still available to grace our screens!

Relentless Stupidity
(Following On from Yesterday's Item)
(2nd January)

Another day writing about the same subject....Pit-Bull Terriers....and I apologize in advance to those desperate enough to read any of the following rantings, but today I was made more than just a little bit angry....

When people are determined to be right no matter what, then there's no swaying them. In the 1960s and 70s it was the pro-smoking lobby....For them, all the medical evidence was inconclusive or unproven or just plain wrong. They persistently argued that smoking wasn't bad for you at all and that people were dying because of anything and everything BUT smoking! Everyone seemed to know of someone who'd smoked 40 or 50 cigarettes a day since they were about 11 years old and that it had never done them any harm at all! In fact, my own Grandfather smoked as many as 60 a day AND drank 7 or 8 pints of beer at the pub every night....and he lived to the ripe old age of 32!

The 1980s saw a handful of independent, maverick scientists raising tentative concerns about a possible link between human lifestyles, carbon emissions, the environment and a possible hole in the ozone layer. This they claimed, was a serious threat to the integrity of the polar ice caps and could even lead to a potentially disastrous rise in global temperatures. The  more self-serving, predominantly corporate-based scientific community were desperate to denounce their theories as thoroughbred bunkum!

During the 1990s, an Oxbridge-based team led by an eminent socio-economic historian argued that the systematic dismantling of British industry, begun inadvertently by both industrial management and the unions throwing very large stones at each other in very small glass houses way back in the 1970s and continued far more overtly by Tory industrial policy in the 1980s, would lead, by the year 2000, to a society consisting of a relatively small percentage of highly-paid chairmen, managers, executives and administrators controlling a workforce that didn't actually make things any more, but bought what they needed from cheap labour-intensive countries based in Asia or Eastern Europe with money they would find increasingly easy to borrow! He maintained that both Government and individual debt would spiral out of control and that leisure would become the key industry, absorbing as much as 75% of disposable income. He believed that society would begin to break down in three major areas....the Health Service, Law and Order and Education! His theories managed to upset just about everyone at the time and he was denounced as a fool (particularly by the newly incumbent Government of the day) and all funding for his research was eventually rescinded!

These days we are forced to suffer a virtual miasma of self-centred groups and individuals refusing to accept the helping hands of plain truth and common sense as they rush headlong to be buried beneath an avalanche of their very own relentless stupidity (I suppose that 4 x 4 ownership by town-dwellers would fit neatly into that category)!

Today however, I listened on the radio to the arguments of the owner of a Pit-Bull Terrier as he tried to justify keeping such an animal in the same house as his baby son. He maintained that at no time was the child ever in danger because he was never left alone in a room with his beloved Pit-Bull....ever....and that he or his wife were ALWAYS on hand to prevent or "deal with" any potentially dangerous situation should it arise....except that it NEVER could arise in the first place simply because they had read all available literature about training and keeping Pit-Bulls and their particular dog had always been a truly lovable and 100% trustworthy domestic pet (which, presumably is why it's never left alone with the child!).

In addition, when it was suggested that it was not really a good idea to allow such a potentially dangerous animal anywhere near his baby under any circumstances, his response was to simply point out that "ALL dogs are potentially dangerous aren't they? Well, there we are then!"

Is it just me?

It's difficult to argue against such blindingly under-whelming logic, but there are one or two questions that I would like to ask....

1....Is there perhaps never a time when one or other of the dog's owners might be making a cup of tea in the kitchen when, suddenly, the other one leaves the dog and the child alone for just a moment to go to the loo, or to answer the door or is distracted by the telephone or by the news on the TV of a child attacked by a dog somewhere or perhaps they will need a minute or two to do some vacuum-cleaning or read a magazine or another book about Pit-Bulls? They might even suddenly need to pop to the shops at the request of their partner to get a pint of milk to make the tea in the first place! Meanwhile, at that precise moment, baby throws a plastic brick or a rubber frog at the dog or tries to eat a chocolate biscuit and teases the dog with it or grabs its collar or its tail as it walks past or the baby pees in its pants or on the floor (territory-marking behaviour in the world of the dog) or suddenly starts screaming because the dog ate its biscuit anyway or pokes the dog in the eye with Bob the Builder or....a thousand other things over which it is totally impossible to have complete control 100% of the time unless, maybe, you are Superdad or Mightymum!

....Apparently not, according to the frighteningly confident gent on the radio! He is, incidentally, exactly the kind of person you most definitely DO NOT want in your unit in the military....His type tend to get people killed simply because they always think they're in constant and total control of any situation and never accept that the unexpected is not only possible but imminent!

2....How long does this person think it would actually take a full-grown, healthy Pit-Bull Terrier (type) dog to cover a couple of metres and sink its teeth into a child's throat? I get the impression that they really do believe they would have time to stop it (just a word of command maybe?) and that by simply being in the same room as the child and the dog, they are eminently qualified to stop the child throwing its brick at the dog in the blink of an eye and to prevent the dog from reacting....(I must add for the benefit of any such people reading this item themselves (or, more likely, having it read to them) that this is just ONE imagined scenario out of an INFINITE number of possible scenarios and I do appreciate that your particular child may well not actually have any plastic bricks or rubber frogs of their own and might not even like Bob the Builder per se!).

3....Tragically, these people actually believe that they are experts on the subject because they have read a few books on Pit-Bulls and Pit-Bull behaviour. Perhaps this also enables them to read the mind of their own Pit-Bull....A very useful trick if you can do it! However....anyone who reads this website or its sister-site on a regular basis, will be only too aware of my opinions concerning "experts" and their generalized interpretations of animal behaviour!

I read a book once, about natural history (It may even have been two books!) in an effort to fuel my bewildering passion for birds and wildlife in general. I think one of them was actually about birds specifically! Despite this, I still consider myself to have experienced JUST enough about birds in the real world to understand that, once in a while, a bird will do something totally unexpected and entirely out of character....something which most definitely will NOT be found in the pages of any book written by an expert....EVER!

Books by experts tend to have one thing in common....they do not take into consideration the fact that not all, let's say Swallows, for the sake of argument, are the same! It is quite possible (even desirable) to draw general conclusions about the way that an entire species behaves concerning migration patterns for example, but this never takes the actions of the individual fully into account. Basically, a book about the migration of Barn Swallows in general would doubtless deliver a particular and accurate account of Swallow migration, but a book about the migratory behaviour of just one or two Swallows in particular would probably result in a very different book altogether!

What I'm trying to say is that it's entirely possible to read a dozen or more books about Pit-Bulls and consider yourself to be a virtual expert as a result, BUT it is vital to bear in mind that none of those books were written about YOUR Pit-Bull in particular....they can, therefore, be nothing more than general guides at best!

I have gone on and on about this because nothing makes me angrier than the man or woman who refuses to see the world as it really is and who insists that the rest of us should believe only what he or she is determined to believe according to his or her own selfish needs....nothing that is, except blatant ignorance and stupidity!

There will always be self-serving, self-interested people determined to be right no matter what....from denying the effects of smoking to lambasting overwhelming scientific evidence, from ridiculing economic and social determinism to insisting on living in town and driving a 4 x 4 or on keeping a Pit-Bull as a domestic pet....such attitudes will always fly in the face of common-sense and the wider good of all! What was it Gandhi once said...."Opinion born out of self-interest always was and will forever be Reason's most destructive enemy"!

Pit-Bulls
(1st January, 2007)

I was rather hoping to start the New Year on a lighter note, but....

I know that there are Pit Bull Terriers out there who have kind and loving homes, who are raised and trained the way non-working dogs should be, but no matter how the animal has been brought up, there is always an element of risk with a breed that is the result of far too many generations subjected to what can only be termed "negative in-breeding" in a sustained effort to promote both physical strength and mental aggression!

For any owner of a Pit Bull to say that their particular animal is well trained, 100% safe and would never WANT to hurt anybody is a bit like the owner of a Golden Retriever arguing that their dog would never WANT to chase a stick thrown for it, even though it might be extremely well trained not to. I have a Lurcher and a small Greyhound and they are trained NOT to chase rabbits and sheep, but that doesn't mean that they don't WANT to chase them....and I'm damn sure that I wouldn't risk my mortgage on them not giving in to their basic instincts given exposure to every possible situation! For that reason alone, they are kept on their leads at all times when out on their walks....training or no training!

Pit Bulls are potential time-bombs....tick, tick, ticking away and I would personally like to see the breed gradually made extinct through a sustained programme of enforced non-breeding. Sadly, a little girl has lost her life today because of one man's self-centred refusal to accept the potential risks involved in keeping a fighting breed as a domestic pet....It's such an awful shame and a senseless, avoidable waste! Losing a child is something the family will never, ever get over fully and my heart goes out to them for all the anguish that lies ahead.

Jessops and John
(30th December)

I'd just like to commend the manager and staff of "Jessops" photographic shop in Cirencester who, in the middle of a very busy and extremely wet Saturday afternoon, were prepared to help out Scottish John, a totally bewildered and particularly damp elderly homeless man who had begun to feel very unwell while sitting in a cold, wet doorway alongside their shop.From what I could make out, John hadn't taken important medication to control his severe epilepsy for a couple of days and was growing more and more confused. He also looked quite jaundiced (even his eyes were yellow). The shop manager rang for an ambulance and very kindly, let him sit inside the shop (in full view of customers) until the ambulance arrived and eventually took John to hospital.

Sleeping rough during the winter is very tough at the best of times and, although it's not as cold recently as it might be, it's extremely wet and once your stuff is damp, it tends to stay damp and you seem to get cold from the inside out! John was cold like that and was bordering on being hypothermic. Now he's in the warm and dry with three squares a day until he's sorted out.…and that's mostly down to the kind folk in Jessops as much as anyone.

UKN Rangers sleep rough (bivouack) all year round, but we are all provided with the right kind of kit, plenty of professional back-up and have cosy, warm, dry homes to go back to if things don't go according to plan. John and thousands like him, don't ever have the right kit (let alone any kind of formal survival training) and they certainly don't have warm homes to run to if they get a bit damp or chilly.

So, you see, I've always got time for the homeless....most people see them as society's detritus....lost souls who don't somehow "measure up" to their high standards. The reality is that the homeless are a lot tougher than most ordinary people could ever imagine....they have to be and, if you doubt it, try sleeping rough a couple of nights in the middle of winter yourself on one pathetic meal a day (if you’re lucky) and see how you get on....but for the grace of God and all that....!

Giving Talks

I have, believe it or not, occasionally been asked to give illustrated talks about wildlife to various groups of one kind or another....including two talks to the WI in darkest South Glos (gladly receiving payment in the form of jars of honey and a delicious chocolate sponge cake!). I've also discussed wildlife and global-warming issues with groups of progressively dazed village primary school children....I used to be a primary school teacher in the late 1980s and early 1990s and, after leaving paid teaching due to my past military experiences finally catching up with me, I went on to become fairly well known in the Cotswolds District by coaching football and athletics to several of the smaller village schools (pretty much as a therapeutic hobby) for more than twelve years.

I finally decided to call a halt to giving such talks however, after turning up at the local village hall last Saturday to give a talk on "Cotswold Buzzards" to the Premature Ejaculation Society. I arrived with all my stuff, but there was nobody there....apparently, they'd all come on the Friday!

Published?….Well....er....kind of
(29^th December)

Mrs. G e-mailed over Christmas wanting to know if I ever have stories, articles, poems, photographs, cartoons or any other stuff actually published and, if so, where and when would they be likely to appear in print. I can only guess that Mrs. G. is keen to know exactly which magazines or newspapers she needs to avoid! 

Well, the fact is, I have had bits and pieces make it into various publications over many years, but don’t worry yourself about it too much Mrs. G because they are few and far between, especially these days! 

The very first thing I ever got into print was a short story called “Santa Claws!“ when I was just twelve years old. It was a science fiction story about malicious toys that suddenly came to life at Christmas under the control of an evil alien Santa! It was printed in a boys adventure annual, but was much edited and barely recognizable from the original. My Dad (not me!) was paid 21/-, half of which was eventually given to me while the rest went towards house-keeping!

Wendy Pennydrops....Competitive Swimmer
(Any similarity between Wendy and my 14 year-old daughter is purely intentional)

The last thing of mine published to date was a two-page, tongue-in-cheek article (plus cartoon) entitled “The Essential Swimming Meet Survival Kit for Parents” (my daughter’s a swimmer) and it appeared in the August 2006 edition of the formerly highly regarded “Swimming Times” magazine. Sadly, this effort also fell foul of the editor’s knife with paragraphs enthusiastically cut, trimmed and “tidied” (nothing changes in the world of publication editing) which, to my mind, ruined the overall flow of the piece. This time though, I was rewarded with two identical complimentary issues of “Swimming Times” each containing my article! They also happened to arrive in the same post as the copy I receive via subscription….10/6d suddenly seemed a very princely sum indeed!

It was in the exact middle of Coach's wonderfully inspiring pre-race motivational tirade that Wendy suddenly realized that Tony really had cheated on Mandy in last night's episode of "Hollyoaks"!

I’ve rarely ever used my real name on anything submitted for publication and the various nomme-de-plumes I’ve chosen to use over the years have included such highly unlikely pseudonyms as Lou Spalls, Dicky Hart and Betty Swallocks, although quite a few people unfamiliar with my style of writing appear to believe that they are actually real! Ironically though, one of the most successful pieces I ever wrote as Lou Spalls early in 2006 was a serious piece called “Bird-Flu, You and What to Do” (subtitled “When the Guano Hits the Fan!”). Based partly on Government pandemic emergency strategies supplied recently to the military, emergency services and to us, it was enthusiastically received by several survivalist groups across the world, but mostly by those in Australia and the USA.

The US groups were particularly keen to serialize it in their own specialist periodicals and I have actually received several plaudits from what you might call the true Laguna-type backwoods survivalists whose idea of home security is a 50. Calibre machine-gun strategically placed in an upstairs bedroom window and a dozen or so claymores sprinkled around and about their 500 acre fortress-farm homesteads! Still, just so long as they’re happy….I’m sure they don‘t mean any harm!

Unfortunately, my style of writing is not generally embraced by the more discerning magazine editors and, apart from one or two recent and tempting offers from editors (presumably desperate to fill copy space) suggesting that I might do a couple of “Day in the Life of a Wildlife Ranger“ feature articles, I’ve only had one other thing, a short comedy-ghost story, aimed at young adults and called “Reynard’s Revenge“ published this year.

As for my so-called poetry….I just wouldn’t have the bare-faced gall to even contemplate sending any of it to anyone unless perhaps, I thought they deserved it! I write poetry because I enjoy doing it and I suppose it relieves some sort of irritating creative itch! More worryingly perhaps, at least for unsuspecting visitors to this site, is that I plan to upload a few tentative verses here!

A handful (three) of my photographs have won the odd “highly commended” prize in very small-scale, camera club-type competitions, but that was years ago when I cared about such things as the speed of my exposure and the size of my attachment and used old-fashioned, expensive 35mm film developed as slides. Going digital just means that I’ve joined every other Dick and his dog snapping thousands of delete-able pictures at anything or everything that moves (or stays still long enough) to get just half-a-dozen good images….and it always seems that most of those guys are much better at it than me anyway….and have still got much bigger attachments too....probably !

As his front teeth arced gracefully across the Dojo floor, Sensei couldn't help but be impressed with the power generated by Podge in his first board-breaking test...He also considered mentioning how important it was for a student to keep BOTH eyes open right up to that all-important moment of impact!

My cartoons have enjoyed a little more success with a wide variety of characters appearing in comic-strip form. “Podge”, was a somewhat over-weight, inept and liability-cursed karate club novice, who appeared in 15 issues of an American martial arts magazine back in the 1970s. "Ding", an anthropomorphised surfboard for hire at the local beach, proved a mysteriously popular character in the comic-strip “Stick-Tricks" and was featured in the original “Wavelength” surf magazine (not related to the current “Wavelength” mag) during the mid 1980s. Obsessive photography anorak, “Wide-Angle Willy” boasted every photographic gadget known to man and epitomized the familiar “all the gear and no idea” type of individual hell-bent on turning the lives of his close friends and family upside-down and inside-out in his quest for that “perfect“ picture! "Willy", together with his long-suffering ten year-old son, "Little Willy", was also the only one of my creations to actually appear regularly in a national publication!

“Kevin Kettle….Ninja Assassin (Bromford Branch)” (that’s him revitalized on the Home Page of this site) actually found popularity amongst mostly US servicemen in Japan as a result of my being seconded there (Kobe) back in the late 1970s and because I had virtually nothing to do during what little time I had off….except to practise my Japanese, master the compulsory ultra-strict social etiquette, eat vegetarian sushi, draw seabirds and eventually, out of sheer desperation, create “Kevin“! We were rarely even allowed off base by the Nihon Engankaibitai (Coastguard) Command without some sort of compulsory “escort“!

Some of my single-image, social commentary cartoons have shown up here and there (in usually highly unexpected places, including a porn magazine on one occasion....so I'm told!), having been trawled from the depths of various agency catalogues and I dare say that I’ve probably seen very few of the ones fortunate to actually make it into print simply because I opted to receive a one-off payment, up-front, for a whole batch of ready-drawn cartoons. The agencies are not always obliged to keep cartoonists informed as to where, when and how their work might be used.

I’ve always kept page-a-day-type diaries from when I was a boy (smaller versions when I was in the forces that fitted into my tunic pocket) and that, I’m assured, is because I’m a Cancerian (Crab people don’t only hide in their shells, moving side-ways through life avoiding confrontation, they like to write all about it as well!….it’s some kind of insecurity thing apparently!).

Meanwhile, there have been a couple of other “published” short stories (usually combining Natural History and Science Fiction) and a sprinkling of survival or “humorous” articles to keep me busy, but I gave up on the idea of being good enough to be considered a “proper” writer a long time ago. At least these websites give me some sort of outlet for my writing compulsion and no-one has to pay for it….not financially anyway!

The Moon has a supposedly character-defining effect on all Cancerians, but apart from feeling compelled to sit in the garden to howl loudly at it once a month when it's full, I don't think it affects me in the slightest!